Going back

They say the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Luckily for me it was.

They also say that you can never go back again.

Well I did and it was great.

This evening I went to a retirement party for one of my all-time favorite co-workers. It's bittersweet to have him retire only because I adore him so much and knew I could always go visit him at work if I needed a pick me up.

We worked closely together, we were the only 2 in the office, for at least 8 years. He could be my dad in age but he and I talked about such a variety of things, things I couldn't talk to even my closest about. We were so removed from each others lives, yet knew so much that we were perfect venting to each other. He gave me fatherly advice even when I didn't want to hear it. He is/was like a dad and best friend all at the same time. I truly disliked my job but he made the days great. He made me laugh so hard every day unlike anyone else, and kept me in reality. His stories?! They were so good.

I had to be there this evening, so I went even though for some reason I was crazy nervous. All the small talk that would potentially happen. And knowing that 95% of the people there would be men, mostly older men.

I went and you know what, I had a great time.

Granted after a glass of wine it was much easier. Ha.

I saw guys I hadn't seen since leaving MMCO 4 years ago. The best customers were there and mostly great ex co-workers from the company too. But it was good for my soul.

For the first time in awhile I felt confident and respected. I was even socializing.

Crazy, I know.

I was the only female there that was not a wife to one of the guys and it felt good. There have been other women that have come and gone but I was the only invited. I gave out many hugs to grown men who weren't sure how to take it. Complimented them, because they need it more than they say they do. Stories were told, 4 letter words were a plenty, back and forth banter was done and guys were genuinely glad to see me. In a room full of older contractor men, I was treated as an equal and felt like I belonged there.

Sliding back into that environment was surprisingly easy and I didn't realize how much I missed it until I was back there again. No, I would never go back to work there, especially now that my co-worker retired but for as many bad memories there I have just as many good ones. Ones I will keep forever.

I feel like I turned a leaf for myself and it felt good.


***Also, I was only asked once tonight if I was pregnant. 😐

Updates

Helllllooooo!!!!

Since it has been almost a year since blogging, let me share some things with you...

Antonio is now in 4th grade and I am still regularly volunteering at his school but on strict orders from him that I do not kiss or hug him at school and not tell him I love him out loud because apparently it embarrasses him.

Fine, geez...

Yes, I respect that because when at school I always see him, everyone knows me and I tend to gain insight when there so it is still in my benefit to be there. Ha, jokes on you kid. ☺

He officially was diagnosed with ADHD, Inattentive Type. Basically, it is incredibly hard for him to focus without being distracted and he gets overwhelmed when given to many directions at once. There are many other things but none of them would be obvious to most. He is a great kid and I am still immensely proud of him. He has an enormous heart, and still wears that enormous heart on his finger tips. ❤

My mental health has improved. I am currently on medication to make my anxiety and depression manageable and was actually able to enjoy the holidays without a lot of anxiety. Yay! However, because of an original medication I tried, I have gained a large amount of weight in a short amount of time. I have since changed the meds and will be trying to loose most of that weight this year. I am to the point where I am uncomfortable in my own skin.

I decided to leave Lularoe over the Summer. It began to consume my life in ways that were not good. I was loosing time with Antonio when more time with him was the main reason we decided to have me stay home. The decision was hard but once made, a weight was lifted and I knew it was the right choice.

I am currently a Color Street Stylist and love it. I started Color Street in the spring and found it was much easier than Lularoe. There is a lot less time required to be successful. I have gained so much success with it too, both professionally and personally. If you are interested in a free sample let me know and I'll send you one. Yes, completely free.

Lilly, our rescue dog is thriving. She has been with us just over a year now and is such a perfect fit with our family and we cannot imagine life without her. She is incredibly protective of us and still does not like men. Antonio's best buddy is about the only person she doesn't constantly bark at.


xo,

Keep your promises

Happy New Year!

Once again I have not made a resolution for the new year. I stopped doing that years ago and decided to choose a word or phrase of the year instead.

Last year it was Live in the Present.

I'm not sure how much I really did that. I found myself constantly looking back with doubt and worrying about the future. I still do that, but have come to realize I probably always will thanks to my depression and anxiety.

This year?

Keep your Promises

Like most of you, I read Girl, Wash your Face and was a moved motivated by it.  Rachel Hollis, the author, spoke to me in a way no other author/speaker has. There was something about her honestly and her tell it like it is way that spoke to me. I had many Ah ha!, or maybe more of, huh?! moments, but this one has stayed me.

A few months ago after I was out to dinner with my closest girlfriend which was an impromptu happy hour that turned into an impromptu dinner and ended up going later than any of us anticipated, I went downstairs to the basement where our old treadmill is hidden and ran a few miles. I put the evidence of that workout on Snapchat, and later my girlfriend saw it and sent me a text. “You worked out after dinner? What in the world?”
.
I wrote back, “Yes, because I planned on doing it and didn’t want to cancel.”
.
“Couldn’t you just postpone until tomorrow?” She was genuinely perplexed.
.
“No, because I made a promise to myself and I don’t break those, not ever.”
.
“Ugh," she typed back. "I’m the FIRST person I break a promise to.”
.
She’s not the only one. I used to do that all the time until I realized how hard I was fighting to keep my word to other people while quickly canceling on myself. I’ll work out tomorrow became I’m not working out anytime soon—because honestly, if you really cared about that commitment, you’d do it when you said you would. What if you had a friend who constantly flaked on you? What if every other time you made plans she decided not to show up? Or what if a friend from work was constantly starting something new? Every three Mondays she announced a new diet or goal and then two weeks later it just ended?
.
Y’all, would you respect her? This woman who starts and stops over and over again? Would you count on the friend who keeps blowing you off for stupid reasons? Would you trust them when they committed to something?
.
No.
.
No way. And that level of distrust and apprehension applies to you too. Your subconscious knows that you, yourself, cannot be trusted after breaking so many plans and giving up on so many goals.
.
When you really want something, you will find a way. When you don’t really want something, you’ll find an excuse. I know that blowing off a workout, a date, an afternoon to organize your closet, or some previous commitment to yourself doesn’t seem like a big deal—but it is. It’s a really big deal. Our words have power, but our actions shape our lives. 

-Excerpt from the chapter in my new book Girl, Wash Your Face about breaking promises to yourself

Yes!! After reading that I was left with a big, "Whoa, she has a point". I am always breaking promises to myself and rarely breaking promises to others. Partly because of my horrible worrying obsession of what others think of me. 

Its a really problem of mine. I constantly worrying what others will think about me, what I say and don't say, do and don't do etc. It's awful. My therapist has tried hard to get me to stop worrying but it's second nature.

I digress. 

I feel like I have been working on me for so long now. But I am happy to say that little by little things are getting better. ☺ This year I plan on keeping my promises to myself and remembering that my wellbeing is worth it. 

And so is yours. ❤

Tattoos

So this happened last night and I absolutely love it. 

It is so incredibly meaningful and personal too. 

As most of you know I’ve suffered pretty severely from anxiety and depression. Last summer I hit what I’d like to think was my rock bottom and decided I needed more help than just my therapy sessions. Happily my therapist is not a pill pusher because at first I was 110% against medication. I didn't want to have to depend on it nor did I want to put meds in my body. But in the midst of a very dark couple weeks where I was beginning to loose my will to go on and felt I was completely letting Albert and Antonio down in every possible way I went to my therapy appt and sobbed. 

Hard and uncontrollably.

My therapist and I both agreed I needed more. She recommended me going to a psychiatrist to talk about meds. I did and let me tell you, it has been amazing. I started out taking very small doses and slowing increased it. I almost instantly felt better in everyday life. 

I cared more. 

I began to be more present. 

I hate to be so cliché but it has been life changing. I could not believe how much just a small about helped. I think I've found a good dosage now. I still have anxiety when going anywhere out of Marysville but I'd like to think I'm getting there. 

I never considered suicide but in those dark weeks I was close and that scared me. A lot.

It is really hard to talk about with people who don't understand. Because if you haven't lived with it you don't really understand. I appreciate you trying to understand but you don't unless you live with it. I am lucky enough (unfortunately) to have a couple friends who live with it or have lived with it so they get it. Truly understand it and me. ♡♡

Most of you have probably heard of the semicolon project or what the semi color means in the mental illness community. If not, the best way to explain it is, like an author who uses it instead of ending a sentence when they could, they choose to continue the sentence.  I am the author of my life. When I could have given up, I chose not to. I chose to continue on.

I want to continue and take my life and myself back. I want to be the mom, wife and friend people deserve.  And rediscover who I am and want to be. I want to LIVE. ♡

Originally I was going to do this...

But then my friend Tanya who went with me told me the meaning behind the lotus flower (which she was getting) and I knew I needed that. Happily she was fine with me copying her. Ha. For those of you who don't know the meaning of the lotus. It grows from a root in mud and muddy water to become a beautiful flower. We all have something to rise above from... I am rising from my very muddy recent past to a new beginning. ♡ So it was perfect. 

She also suffers as I do and so she is one of those who truly understands so I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. She has been there in ways others couldn't be and I will be forever grateful to her support, understanding and friendship. Mental illness is no joke and needs to less stigmatized and more accepted. Just because we look happy and "together" doesn't mean are not suffering. Most days we are good at hiding it while we are "freaking out" inside. Some days are better than others. I'm hoping my future is filled with better days, thanks to medication. 

The tattoo process has come a long way from my last one 20-ish years ago. I am already planning my next one, or two. I'm ready to go back today! Ha! These are my next ideas... What do you think? And probably sooner than later for at least one fo them. 

This one would probably go on the same arm as my current one. And most likely different font. 

This one would have Antonio's finger print. On my other wrist.

It would be Antonio's name. Again on my other wrist/arm or maybe even same arm but on the side it shows here.

This would have Antonio Thomas. Again on my other wrist.

What do you think? I'm thinking get both the inhale exhale and then one for Antonio. Who wants to go with me when I do?!

Lockdown.

Today there was a lockdown at Antonio’s school. By chance I was there doing a couple PTSA things AND the lockdown was only because of police activity in the area. 

But there was a lockdown and it was not a drill.

Our PTSA is lucky enough to have a portable all to ourselves. When the lockdown happened I knew it was different from the drill they have every so often. I could tell from the announcement. There was a different tone. A couple minutes later another announcement came over saying the lockdown was still in place and that it was not a drill.

WHAT?!?! 

I'll be honest, I panicked and said to Rebecca, who was there with me, "Oh My God".

I quickly knew, thanks to social media, it was because of the police activity and not because of a shooter or anything else. But I was panicking. 

Even though I was there and could see all was fine at the school. I was panicking. I wanted to see Antonio and reassure him all was fine. How was he handling it? Was his teacher reassuring everyone that they were ok? Because even the teachers were caught off guard by this. 

I learned that IF there was a shooter on campus the announcement over the intercom would say so. 😱 That made me feel better knowing we’d know if there was but also freaked me out that then the kids would also know. That would change those kids lives, some more than others. The whole thing/idea scares me. 

How is this is our reality? This is surely Antonio's reality for the rest of his life. Whether it be at school or in a workplace or at a movie. These things happen. And more often. 

Antonio willingly told me about it when he got home. He started by saying, "something really scary happened at school today." Then he continued to tell me about it and how it was scary because it was not a drill and even he teacher didn't know it was going to happen. I told him I was at school too when it happened and thought it was scary too but knew that he was safe. I asked him if he knew he was safe and he said yes. I asked if his teacher talked about it or told him he was safe and he said no, but he knew his teacher would keep him safe. It means so much to me that he knew from her words and actions throughout the year so far that she would keep him safe. She didn't have to tell him today, he already knew. ❤ 

I don't know details on what the police activity was nor do I need to know. All I care about is that they enforced the lockdown for precautionary reasons because of the activity near the school and they kept my boy safe. I can say that the staff at Antonio's school is amazing and did a fantastic job keeping those kiddos safe. As much as I hope this never happens again other than a drill I do feel better seeing how well they did when it was NOT a drill.

Teachers not only teach our kids but they protect them, even the ones that make everyday a struggle for them. Teachers need more credit, more support, more appreciation and more pay. Where else would the person "in charge" do everything in their power to protect you? In all these school shootings there's always a staff member who either died protecting their students or risked their life to protect students. Teachers are amazing humans! Be sure to thank your child's teacher, I did today. Make sure they know you appreciate them because they do so much for our kids!

Lilly

My last post was somewhat depressing but also very truthful as it was my reality. This will be a much more uplifting post about a family and their new dog! ♥

✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭✭



As may of you know we rescued a dog right before Christmas from Noah. Albert and Antonio, well more vocally from Antonio, have been begging for a dog for at least a year. I continued to say no to them for two main reasons.

1. I'm not a dog person. Or cat and really any kind pet of person. I don't like pet hair all over my things and me. And I don't want myself or my home to smell like a pet lives here.

2. I would ultimately be the one taking care of the dog since I am home and dogs are a big responsibility. I wasn't ready for that nor was I wanting that.

However, I stalked the Noah website at least once a week if not more at times. We had some specifics we were looking for in a dog though.

•  A small dog.
• A dog that either didn't ever shed or rarely shed.
• One that was not high energy

Those 3 things were important to me, us. When looking for a dog at a shelter it is very hard to be sure that all 3 of those things are met. Most dogs at the shelter don't stay long so they don't get a good sense of what the dogs are like so it's a gamble, another reason I was so hesitant. 

I happened to look at Noah's website one day and saw a super cute terrier mix dog. I told Albert we should go meet him the next day and much to his surprise agreed. Albert and Antonio had tickets to go see the new Star Wars movie that next morning so when they got home we told Antonio we were going to the shelter to look at a dog but there was a good chance we would not leave with a dog. Justin case.

Antonio was very excited! 

I was super nervous and on the way wondered what I had gotten us into. Ha. We got there looked around and didn't see the dog I had seen online but saw Lilly. She was curled up in a ball sleeping. Her paperwork outside her room said she was very shy and timid. She was a small dog and said to be very timid and shy, so 2 of the criteria was met. I thought, perfect... enough! ☺

We asked about the original dog and they said he had been adopted first thing that morning... but that we could meet Lilly, at that time her name was Jessie (like she was meant to be). In her room she was very timid but took to the 3 of us well. We impulsively adopted her and took her home that day! For me it was one of those "what did we just do?!" moments for sure!

We were in no way ready to bring a dog home. We stopped at Petco on the way and I had the same feeling there as I did when I registered at Babies R Us for Antonio; completely overwhelmed! 

• 10 different kinds of beds
• 10 different kinds of food bowls
• More than 10 different kids of dog food (happily Noah gave us a list of brands they fed there)
• 5 or 6 different kinds of harness'
• so many different kinds of treats
• and don't get me started on toys....

And that was to just get necessities. Holy cow! 

I survived Petco and we all survived the first night without any issues! For the first few days she was like a cat. All she did was sleep and barely eat. She was recovering from being spayed the day prior and just trying to get to know her new surroundings. She had been through so much that month. She was brought in to an Los Angeles shelter as a stray the first week of December. She had just had babies and they spayed her there but unfortunately not correctly or she didn't recover well. She was shortly flown to Noah due to lack of space there (most likely due to all the wildfires) and arrived to Noah on the 15th, spayed (again) on the 16th and we met and brought he home on the 17th. Talk about a traumatic month. Poor girl.

Since then she has gotten used to us and our home and her true self has come out. She is so sweet but seems to be very afraid of men, specifically bigger men. She has become a barker... at almost everything and everyone. We clearly need help there. She is very loving and seems to have had some type of training originally as she takes to a crate very well from day one and has the beginning stages of being potty trained. Everyone in awhile she sits when asked as well as coming tom us when called. Monday her and I start basic dog training and I am excited for that. Hopefully she doesn't bark and growl the whole time! Ha! She loves going on walks and loves to run everyone in awhile.

After having Lilly for for a little over 2 weeks I can honestly say I can't imagine my life without her. I am still not a dog person but I am 100% MY dog person! In a weird way I feel like she has completed our little family. Antonio takes such good care of her and loves on her so much! His jobs are to take her out and go potty, take her on walks with us, and feed her. He even knows his job is to pick up the poop and does it without hesitation! I am so impressed with him. 

Albert?! Lilly is obsessed with him. Those two have a bond like no other, it is so sweet. Especially after seeing how she is with men. We've all decided this Christmas break was the best one by far we've had as a family and I think Lilly was a part of that. She knows I love my cuddles with her and lays down next to me every now and then! ♥ I just love her and so much more that I thought I would! Besides a few things we need to work on with her she is perfect for our little family!

It will be another adjustment when Antonio goes back to school tomorrow but it will give Lilly and I a chance to bond and create a routine for the school week. This very much non dog person is absolutely in love with this dog! I hope you all can come over to meet her some time soon, however it will be slowly overtime since she seems to think most people who come over are here to harm her or us.  I saw a window sticker at Petco the other day and so far I feel it applies 100% to us. It said, "my rescue, rescued me". 🎀🐕

2017

Its been awhile since I've posted, so heres your warning.

This may get lengthy and sappy.

2017 was hard... H.A.R.D

Nothing to eventful happened but emotionally it was hard and many times I wondered it I make it. If I would ever feel at least ok again. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a few years now and pretty badly but this year, starting in Spring it was really bad. Really dark. It would come, stay with me every minute of every day and then it would lessen, and a few weeks later the darkness would return. Meanwhile constantly worrying about it coming back.

I was in a deep, very dark trench for pretty much all of August. I shut the world out and constantly prayed and wondered if I would make it through the day. I had pretty much stopped living life. I was constantly counting down the minutes until Albert would come home. I was/am beyond lucky to have such a great husband. He would work all day, come home and cook and clean because I could barely get off the couch. He was basically a single parent and that guilt ate me alive but the problem with depression is that you stop caring... and I did but worried (thanks to anxiety) that he would give up on me and us.

I couldn't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack. Gripping the cart so hard and having massive tunnel vision and my heart beating so loudly in my ears and feeling like at any moment my legs were going to give out and that I was going to pass out all with Antonio with me. So I stopped going because it was just to overwhelming and to scary. I was so scared something would happen with Antonio with me. 

I remember going to my therapist after the hardest week I had had. I told Antonio prior that I might cry but that I was ok. It took less than 5 min before I uncontrollably started crying. It was bad yet so refreshing to let it out. It was that appointment I had told my therapist I needed help, I needed medication. She agreed. I was so against taking medication but I had also hit my bottom so I gave in. 

Meds have helped my day to day life so much and I am so grateful for them. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle and they haven't stopped my anxiety and depression but have helped so much. I feel like I am slowing returning to my life. ♥ This mental illness consumed, and sometimes still does, my life. It controlled every moment of the day...

I will be forever grateful to a couple of amazing friends who never gave up on me even when I ignored their messages. One who offered to take Antonio when they knew I needed it so I didn't have to ask. These ladies somehow truly understood and never, EVER judged. Just supported. When I felt the loneliest one of them always seemed to know and checked in, even from many miles away. Pretty sure I would not have made it without them. ♥

I'm ready for 2018 and a fresh start in a sense.

I am ready for a better, healthier, mentally and physically, me year. My word/saying for 2018 is live in the present. Live my life and be present. Re-adjust some priorities and start doing things for me and my family; putting us first. Not in a selfish way but I've been guilty of putting others and the need for acceptance of others first. I plan to surround myself with people who like and accept me and who bring happiness and not drama to my life. 

Through therapy I've learned I have issues caring way to much, obsessing over what others think of me and what I do. It's ok to care but not as much as I do. I need to focus on bettering myself not just for me but for Albert and Antonio. They deserve the best version of me as much as I do. I have also learned a big part of my anxiety stems from having control issues. So in 2018 I am going to try to be present, not stress about whats happened in the past and not worry about the future and what could happen. After all, I can't change the past nor can I control the future. I know that but I need to learn to believe it truly realize it. Thats the hard part!

As some of you know I just turned 40. I have mixed emotions about it but I've been told by a couple people that their 40s have been the best years of their life so far. I hope thats true. I truly hope the worst is behind me and my 40's will be the best years! 

One of the gals "mentioned" above sent me this pic. Yes I edited it. Sorry, but I wanted to make it some what appropriate, However it is exactly my thoughts of this year and one of those "YES!" moments! Do you feel the same way?!

Below is something that we all need to try to remember! Let's spread kindness everywhere, we all know this world could use it! Cheers to you in the New Year! I hope you find much joy and happiness in 2018!♥