I want a "do-over"

Christmas always has such a big build-up. And it's usually a build-up to Christmas morning and within an hour or so you are either on a "christmas high" or left feeling completely let down. I saw a lot of people on Facebook and Twitter complaining about a "Christmas hangover" even though they didn't drink anything.

I felt the same way.

This was the year of duplicate gifts too. I went to 3 separate gatherings and at each one, at least 1 person received a duplicate gift. It was weird (and dissappointing), rarely does that happen.

Antonio asked for two things from Santa; a Buzz Lightyear and a guitar. At the Schneidler get together, his cousin Anna drew his name (all the cousins draw names and exchange gifts) and just happened to have a Buzz Lightyear (and two Jessie's)! So he got that from her and he was happy. In fact Christmas Eve we went over to our neighbors for a bit and he, our neighbor asked Antonio what he wanted; Antonio told him but then said that he already got a Buzz Lightyear but not the guitar and that was ok. Apparently he thought THAT was Christmas. He was so causal about not getting the guitar and so we explained that Santa hadn't even come yet. It was good to know he'd be ok without!

Well Christmas morning came and of course Santa brought his guitar. He exclaimed, "I got everything I wanted!". Then turned around to point at all the other gifts saying, "I didn't even want all the other stuff." Point taken kid; next year we will only get what he asks for. It will surely save us some money! :) So that alone was awesome. Antonio got what he wanted and he was so happy!

However, it went downhill fast from there. We went to my Aunts for the afternoon and dinner only to have to leave before dinner because Antonio got sick. Not just not feeling good, but throwing up. :(  It was awful. We quickly gathered our things and left. We were home by 5, without a Christmas dinner. Poor Antonio looked terrible too. Happily he woke up the next more feeling better! Phew.

Christmas eve we did nothing. Albert and I both ran but that was about it. It was nice but looking back, I wished we had done something Christmasy. A part of me feels robbed out of the Christmas fun. In the sense that Christmas Eve we did nothing then Christmas morning came and went only to be home before 5 with no dinner and then just like that it was over. :/

I want a do over.

I would have us all do something as a family, maybe a new tradition, on Christmas Eve. Christmas day have it not be so rushed (arrived late at my Aunts then left early) and not have Antonio get sick (obviously) so he could have fun with his cousins and then have a big yummy dinner. Sigh. I know we don't always get what we want and things definitely don't always go how we want them to (or expect them to), especially with a kid. But I LOVE Christmas time. We usually keep all our decorations, tree included, up until after New Years but Antonio asked it we could take it all down today and I was strangely ok with it. It was just a weird Christmas this year.

I especially can't wait for next year now; it will bet better.

Only 362 more days until Christmas! :)

Count your blessings

It's 10 days until Christmas.

TEN.

Are you ready?! Happily, I am all done shopping except for 1 gift; a gift card, so it's easy! I am so excited! This is, by far, my favorite time of year. All the excitement, happiness and food, don't forget all the cookies, cakes and now that Albert doesn't eat meat, MEAT!! Really. I look forward to going to peoples house for meals in hopes there will be meat now! Ha!

I have also realized over the past couple weeks how incredibly lucky I am. I have an amazing husband and kid; my little family of three is perfect. We both have a job and a roof over our heads. We also have had no real tragedy happen to us. In the past couple weeks I've had some friends and family share their sad, new realities with me. I feel so badly for these people but because of all the grief I've heard I've also realized how incredibly lucky I am.

My Uncle (my Dad's brother) passed away last week due to a very long struggle with diabetes. A friend of mine has become a single Dad with a young, special needs daughter, whom he shares custody with his ex. Albert's co-workers wife, will be taking their 2.5 year old to spend time with her family out of state (she is a stay-at-home Mom) over Christmas because her Dad is very ill and could pass away any day now. So he,Albert's co-worker, will be alone over the holidays because the wife isn't sure when they will be back. :(  (Luckily his family lives very close)

These situations are just some of the sad realities I've heard about recently. I'd give almost anything to  take away these peoples (including the ones I didn't mention) pain. So count your blessings people. I mean really. You may not get (or receive) that perfect gift this Christmas for (or from) someone or the stress of it all may get you down but at least you have your spouse and/or your family with you. It's the little things we need to remember and appreciate, especially this time of year when the focus is so much on family.

My Dad however, is slowly reuniting with his family he was stripped from so early in life. As I told my cousin, her Dad is now with family he hasn't seen in years. My Grandma passed away when I was very young, then it was my Dad. About 10 years ago my Grandpa passed away, then this Fall my Aunt and now my Uncle. I hardly knew my Uncle, he and his family lived in Montana for as long as I can remember but I still feel his loss. I am incredibly sad for my cousins and Aunt who now have to learn to live without him. Please pray for them, pray for them to get through the holidays with as much happiness and love as possible.

Getting together with family may not be your favorite thing to do; it can be stressful or even miserable for some but they are your family. Remember, someday, they will no longer be here. Hug the ones you love a little tighter this holiday; because you can.

Updates and important info!

Apparently I went on an unplanned blogging hiatus. It has been months since my last post on here or on Antonio's blog (with the exception on last nights post). If you want to hear all about how Antonio's doing head on over to his page. If you don't want to do all that work (really?), just know four is treating us well and he is great and loving school.

The last time I left off I was getting glasses and was going to attempt to go dairy free.

I got my glasses and they do seem to help when reading (magazines or the computer). In fact when I don't use them I get headaches. Antonio says I look like "a person", whatever that means. I guess its better to look like a person than a cow or something else, right? I'll take what I can get for a 4 year old!

My attempt at going dairy free has worked well. I feel good. I miss ice cream, like real ice cream, like nobody's business. And when I make a grilled cheese it take every ounce of will power not to eat a piece of cheese. They (again, who do they think they are?!?) say that after awhile I won't crave it or even want it. Well how long is awhile because I may not actually crave it, but I salivate when making a grilled cheese for Antonio. What is wrong with me?! Anyways, I have managed to survive with out so far. Hooray!

For the two bits of important info:

One. If you missed it on FB last night, my step-brothers non profit is now a charity you can automatically "give" to when you shop on Amazon. For everything you buy, 1% of it goes to his non profit. If you don't know about it, it is the Childrens Law Center of Washington and he does amazing things. Basically, for families who cannot afford the legal fees of adoption he (and his team) provide free or low-cost legal services to them in order for them make their family permeant and legal. It's pretty great. So many kids have permeant homes now because of this and they no longer have to worry about being taken away from what they know and need. All you have to do is link up your amazon account and it automatically donates 1%. It's that easy!! Here is the specifics from his CLCW FB page:

ATTENTION AMAZON SHOPPERS! Did you know 1% of what you spend on Amazon could be donated back to the CLCW at no cost to you? It is true. Thanks to Amazon, now when you shop on amazon using the url: smile.amazon.com, you can select our clinic (search for us using these words: "Childrens Law Center Of Washington Ps") and it will remember your selection. It costs you nothing and now 1% of your shopping can help kids find permanence! Please sign up and spread the word! Remember, it only works if you shop on amazon via the "smile.amazon.com" URL.

So if you plan on shopping, or already shop, on Amazon, link up your account. I did it and it only took maybe 15 seconds. SO EASY! Please go do it before you order another thing. It doesn't cost you anything extra.

Two. Omar got a new job with the Detroit Tigers! If you haven't read about it click here. If I understand this right, he will also be a first base coach. So when the Tigers come to town you'll know where I'll be sitting; and cheering for the coach! :)  As soon as we can buy tickets we will! Already looking forward to it!

Now, if you are still here reading, thanks but now go to Amazon to link up your account so you can donate! I'm done here; so go...NOW!

Things that make you go, Hmmmm.

I've had a few "ah-ha" moments lately.

Or maybe just some "realizations". Whatever you want to actually call them, I've had them.

Over the past month or some I have realized that I have a good kid. Really good kid. He is, after all, just four which makes him just past age three and well you may or may not have heard the term, "threenager" but we had one here.

• You may find your sweet three year old suddenly start acting like a hormonal teenage girl going through puberty
• Expect to see mood swings of hurricane-like proportions
• One minute of polite, sweet behavior using manners and all…and then without moment’s notice whining, whining, and did I mention WHINING?!
• New catch phrases, such as “I don’t want to”, “I don’t like that”, “I don’t ______ [insert word here]” and excessive use of the word “No!”
• Sudden outbursts or tantrums for no explained reason (luckily we are yet to experience this in public!)
• You also may find yourself saying “Because I said so” as an answer to all of their questions and statements

(I also found this definition of a threenager too and had to laugh!)

I try to take it all in stride because he is generally a good kid; I (we) are lucky and I am very thankful  grateful for that. Also, I have realized he will be a fantastic big brother to some lucky little girl some day. We spent about 24hrs with an 8 month last week and he was so good with him. Not only was he good with him but he had fun making him smile and laugh; it was so sweet. I hope so badly now he gets the chance!

Moving on.

A couple other things I have realized is that I need glasses. Well only for reading. No, I still don't read books much but most of my day at work consists of "reading" a computer and well all the reading I do on my phone. That font is small. ;) Anyways, I went and got my eyes checked and sure enough I needed glasses. I can see fine far away it is just up close that gives me trouble. As I type this I am wearing my new glasses. As I told Albert, it looks like the font is bigger but in reality it is just "clearer". Ahhh. My eyes are still trying to adjust to them, the glasses, but I can see (har, har) that this is going to help.

Also, I have concluded I may be somewhat lactose intolerant. After enjoying a latte for the first time in awhile the other morning I felt very bloated and gassy. I was extra aware because I was putting on a swimsuit at Great Wolf Lodge when in reality I was wanting to keep my jammy pants on. I mentioned it to my Mom and friend who were with me and they mentioned lactose intolerance. I got home and looked it up. The symtoms (minus the last two) were exactly mine. All day I thought about it and the more and more I thought about it the more I was pretty sure I was.

So starting today, I am going to try to cut out dairy for awhile to see what happens. I got some So Delicious (non dairy brand) coffee creamer and Albert picked up some So Delicious ice cream. He knows me well, after all, if I am going to do this I can be neglected of the good stuff! :) The ice cream was pretty good too. On my lunch tomorrow I may get a So Delicious yogurt to try. I haven't "been able" to eat yogurt for awhile now because of how it made me feel (bloated and gave me a stomach ache)....hmmmm...light bulb on. :) We'll see....

Here is to hoping age four is good for Antonio, my glasses help at work (and at home) and that I can do this dairy free thing and it helps!

Lucky...or maybe not.

*Some of this post is based purely on memories, not the facts*

I just learned that a dear friend of mine's Mom, is having a biopsy of a very small "spot" that was found on a routine mammogram. This Mom has no history in her family of breast cancer and it was caught early so the odds are very favorable that it is nothing. But please pray anyway.

However, as news like this always does, if got me thinking. As many of you know, I lost my Dad very early in my life to a brain tumor. So I had to deal, as a young chid, with losing my Dad, and if I were completely honest with myself, I don't think I really grieved completely or even mourned correctly.

I remember my Mom sending me to a therapist/counselor who was (as I remember him) a creepy old man. Most likely a middle aged man with a beard and a sweater vest and glasses. Yes, that is how I remember him, it was the 80's after all; oh and he has a quiet toned creepy voice. Anyways, did he (or my Mom for that matter) think I was  really going to talk to him about my Dad dying? I barely understood what had happened myself, how was I to pour my feelings out to him? I am sure he was a pediatric therapist but still. Needless to say, I think I only went to see him once or twice, at least that is how I remember it.

My parents separated when I was young, very young; maybe Kindergarten age. I remember my Mom taking me on the ferry to see him on weekends in Seattle so I wasn't old enough to go alone yet, or maybe she went to make sure he didn't have some crazy woman there with him waiting for me. He then moved to Alaska for a few years, at least I think that was the order it happened. I never saw him then. He would send me audio tapes that after he died I remember playing frequently until the cassette player ate my last one. I remember that day vividly, it was while I was living in Oregon. I sobbed. It was the last time I heard his voice. :(  I remember he came back to Seattle when he found out he had the tumor. He stayed there until he died. Sadly, in my 10 or so years he was alive I hardly saw him let alone got to know him. I know while I has a baby he was there and most likely was a great Dad, but I have no memories of that. At all.

Does this make me lucky? In the sense that I did have a parent die but I was so young and barely had much of a relationship with him to really know what losing a parent is like.  I hear about people losing a parent from cancer or by a tragic accident and assume I can empathize, but can I? Most of them knew that parent. Had a relationship with them. My Dad, moved to Seattle then Alaska. Sure I saw him and spent time with him, heck, he took me to Disneyland, twice (I think) in those short years. But I barely remember him.

Maybe it makes me unlucky because I lost him so soon and did not get to have a relationship with him while all these other people did. I know that it makes me angry when I hear about it. How their parent died and how sad it is. A part of me wants to angrily say, "But at least you knew them and grew up with them. You're lucky enough to not know what its like to not have one.  You were/are lucky enough to have many memories with them..." But I don't, because that is so incredibly insensitive and just not right.

I wonder just how much could I possibly understand what they were/are going through. Was I lucky to have lost my Dad so young so maybe, just maybe, my pain of losing him isn't or wasn't so intense?  Because of losing so early on, my whole like I have feared losing my Mom. It is and has been my biggest fear. Sure I have my Step-Dad but if you know me, really know me, it just isn't the same.

What I do know is that there is no luck in losing a parent; none what so ever. Losing a parent is losing a parent, no matter how or when.

Friendships

They say that the friends you meet in college stay with you for life. I suppose that is true but I can hardly say I keep in touch with those friends. Granted that makes me very sad because those girls (& guys) were/are some of the best kind of people I know.

With that said, it is my high school friends that seem to be the ones that have stayed for life. Jessica, Rita, Christina, Myriah and Toni; those girls I have the most memories with and whom I look back as my best friends from high school. From New Kids, to sleepovers, to shopping, to boys, to Omar and the Mariners. Those are the girls I did all those things with; those are the girls that I laughed with, cried with and spent most of my time with. A couple of them I have yet to loose touch with over the years, one of them I did loose touch with for a couple years but found again. While the two others I have happily reconnected with via Facebook; one of which just recently. Some laugh at the whole FB thing but I have found it is much more that just a social website. I have reconnected with old friends whom I have so many memories with. Funny thing is, not only do we ask how each other have been but also ask about Moms. Not only was I incredibly close to these girls but their Mom's too. Their Mom's were in some respect, like a second Mom to me growing up. Who knows how close we will really be again, if close at all, but just to reconnect is great.

I can't even tell you exactly what made us loose touch but we did. It just feels so good to connect back. Real friendships are hard to find. I have found that to be so true at this point in my life. These girls gave me real friendships back then and even though I rarely, if ever, see them now I'm pretty confident that if I  really needed them they would be there. I have made a few real friendships since high school but they have been far and few between...

This tended to ramble a bit, sorry...

PRIDE

So tomorrow is my last PRIDE (Parents Resources for Information Development Education) class. As I was warned, a coffee was needed for each class and I can see how this training could indeed "weed" out the people who weren't really serious about this. There were some videos, in-depth talk and personal stories about topics that made me not only run home and put Antonio into a bubble for the rest of his life but wonder what I am getting us, all of us, into. However, at the same time, I just wanted to gather up a kid(s) already, maybe a whole team of them. These poor kids in foster care. They have not only seen and heard horrific things but have had horrific things happen to them. The abuse, physical and emotional, my gosh, I cannot even begin to imagine. Ugh...

But with love, support and the right amount (and certain kind) of help, could grow up and lead somewhat normal lives. I think it gets me to the core so much because I have Antonio. I could not, nor do I want to, begin to imagine Antonio having to live through/with some of these things. Breaks my heart so much.

Like I said, there were a few times when I wondered if I really wanted us to go forward with fostering. The baggage these kids could/will come with and the immense struggle/pain they will have regardless of how great we are pulls on me.

There have been some "hmm, wow" moments too. What is the ONE thing you could not live with out between: your values, places that make you happy, people that make you happy, groups your involved in, laws and how you support your family? When it comes down to it most of you would say your values or the people that make you happy. The first thing kids loose when put into foster care is those people that make them happy...  :(  Even though those people tend to be the ones that are "hurting" them they still love them and want to be with them. Its just so sad...

So next up is finding a time where we can attend a first aid class and filling out all of the paperwork. In my opinion, the sooner the better for many reasons! So in the meantime keep us in your thoughts and prayers. It seems we are almost to the way at the halfway point in the process. Maybe a part of me wishes we had gone through an agency; we would have had someone there to hold our hand through all this and to maybe give us a "push" every now and then. :) Oh well.