Keep your promises

Happy New Year!

Once again I have not made a resolution for the new year. I stopped doing that years ago and decided to choose a word or phrase of the year instead.

Last year it was Live in the Present.

I'm not sure how much I really did that. I found myself constantly looking back with doubt and worrying about the future. I still do that, but have come to realize I probably always will thanks to my depression and anxiety.

This year?

Keep your Promises

Like most of you, I read Girl, Wash your Face and was a moved motivated by it.  Rachel Hollis, the author, spoke to me in a way no other author/speaker has. There was something about her honestly and her tell it like it is way that spoke to me. I had many Ah ha!, or maybe more of, huh?! moments, but this one has stayed me.

A few months ago after I was out to dinner with my closest girlfriend which was an impromptu happy hour that turned into an impromptu dinner and ended up going later than any of us anticipated, I went downstairs to the basement where our old treadmill is hidden and ran a few miles. I put the evidence of that workout on Snapchat, and later my girlfriend saw it and sent me a text. “You worked out after dinner? What in the world?”
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I wrote back, “Yes, because I planned on doing it and didn’t want to cancel.”
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“Couldn’t you just postpone until tomorrow?” She was genuinely perplexed.
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“No, because I made a promise to myself and I don’t break those, not ever.”
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“Ugh," she typed back. "I’m the FIRST person I break a promise to.”
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She’s not the only one. I used to do that all the time until I realized how hard I was fighting to keep my word to other people while quickly canceling on myself. I’ll work out tomorrow became I’m not working out anytime soon—because honestly, if you really cared about that commitment, you’d do it when you said you would. What if you had a friend who constantly flaked on you? What if every other time you made plans she decided not to show up? Or what if a friend from work was constantly starting something new? Every three Mondays she announced a new diet or goal and then two weeks later it just ended?
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Y’all, would you respect her? This woman who starts and stops over and over again? Would you count on the friend who keeps blowing you off for stupid reasons? Would you trust them when they committed to something?
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No.
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No way. And that level of distrust and apprehension applies to you too. Your subconscious knows that you, yourself, cannot be trusted after breaking so many plans and giving up on so many goals.
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When you really want something, you will find a way. When you don’t really want something, you’ll find an excuse. I know that blowing off a workout, a date, an afternoon to organize your closet, or some previous commitment to yourself doesn’t seem like a big deal—but it is. It’s a really big deal. Our words have power, but our actions shape our lives. 

-Excerpt from the chapter in my new book Girl, Wash Your Face about breaking promises to yourself

Yes!! After reading that I was left with a big, "Whoa, she has a point". I am always breaking promises to myself and rarely breaking promises to others. Partly because of my horrible worrying obsession of what others think of me. 

Its a really problem of mine. I constantly worrying what others will think about me, what I say and don't say, do and don't do etc. It's awful. My therapist has tried hard to get me to stop worrying but it's second nature.

I digress. 

I feel like I have been working on me for so long now. But I am happy to say that little by little things are getting better. ☺ This year I plan on keeping my promises to myself and remembering that my wellbeing is worth it. 

And so is yours. ❤

Tattoos

So this happened last night and I absolutely love it. 

It is so incredibly meaningful and personal too. 

As most of you know I’ve suffered pretty severely from anxiety and depression. Last summer I hit what I’d like to think was my rock bottom and decided I needed more help than just my therapy sessions. Happily my therapist is not a pill pusher because at first I was 110% against medication. I didn't want to have to depend on it nor did I want to put meds in my body. But in the midst of a very dark couple weeks where I was beginning to loose my will to go on and felt I was completely letting Albert and Antonio down in every possible way I went to my therapy appt and sobbed. 

Hard and uncontrollably.

My therapist and I both agreed I needed more. She recommended me going to a psychiatrist to talk about meds. I did and let me tell you, it has been amazing. I started out taking very small doses and slowing increased it. I almost instantly felt better in everyday life. 

I cared more. 

I began to be more present. 

I hate to be so cliché but it has been life changing. I could not believe how much just a small about helped. I think I've found a good dosage now. I still have anxiety when going anywhere out of Marysville but I'd like to think I'm getting there. 

I never considered suicide but in those dark weeks I was close and that scared me. A lot.

It is really hard to talk about with people who don't understand. Because if you haven't lived with it you don't really understand. I appreciate you trying to understand but you don't unless you live with it. I am lucky enough (unfortunately) to have a couple friends who live with it or have lived with it so they get it. Truly understand it and me. ♡♡

Most of you have probably heard of the semicolon project or what the semi color means in the mental illness community. If not, the best way to explain it is, like an author who uses it instead of ending a sentence when they could, they choose to continue the sentence.  I am the author of my life. When I could have given up, I chose not to. I chose to continue on.

I want to continue and take my life and myself back. I want to be the mom, wife and friend people deserve.  And rediscover who I am and want to be. I want to LIVE. ♡

Originally I was going to do this...

But then my friend Tanya who went with me told me the meaning behind the lotus flower (which she was getting) and I knew I needed that. Happily she was fine with me copying her. Ha. For those of you who don't know the meaning of the lotus. It grows from a root in mud and muddy water to become a beautiful flower. We all have something to rise above from... I am rising from my very muddy recent past to a new beginning. ♡ So it was perfect. 

She also suffers as I do and so she is one of those who truly understands so I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. She has been there in ways others couldn't be and I will be forever grateful to her support, understanding and friendship. Mental illness is no joke and needs to less stigmatized and more accepted. Just because we look happy and "together" doesn't mean are not suffering. Most days we are good at hiding it while we are "freaking out" inside. Some days are better than others. I'm hoping my future is filled with better days, thanks to medication. 

The tattoo process has come a long way from my last one 20-ish years ago. I am already planning my next one, or two. I'm ready to go back today! Ha! These are my next ideas... What do you think? And probably sooner than later for at least one fo them. 

This one would probably go on the same arm as my current one. And most likely different font. 

This one would have Antonio's finger print. On my other wrist.

It would be Antonio's name. Again on my other wrist/arm or maybe even same arm but on the side it shows here.

This would have Antonio Thomas. Again on my other wrist.

What do you think? I'm thinking get both the inhale exhale and then one for Antonio. Who wants to go with me when I do?!

Lockdown.

Today there was a lockdown at Antonio’s school. By chance I was there doing a couple PTSA things AND the lockdown was only because of police activity in the area. 

But there was a lockdown and it was not a drill.

Our PTSA is lucky enough to have a portable all to ourselves. When the lockdown happened I knew it was different from the drill they have every so often. I could tell from the announcement. There was a different tone. A couple minutes later another announcement came over saying the lockdown was still in place and that it was not a drill.

WHAT?!?! 

I'll be honest, I panicked and said to Rebecca, who was there with me, "Oh My God".

I quickly knew, thanks to social media, it was because of the police activity and not because of a shooter or anything else. But I was panicking. 

Even though I was there and could see all was fine at the school. I was panicking. I wanted to see Antonio and reassure him all was fine. How was he handling it? Was his teacher reassuring everyone that they were ok? Because even the teachers were caught off guard by this. 

I learned that IF there was a shooter on campus the announcement over the intercom would say so. 😱 That made me feel better knowing we’d know if there was but also freaked me out that then the kids would also know. That would change those kids lives, some more than others. The whole thing/idea scares me. 

How is this is our reality? This is surely Antonio's reality for the rest of his life. Whether it be at school or in a workplace or at a movie. These things happen. And more often. 

Antonio willingly told me about it when he got home. He started by saying, "something really scary happened at school today." Then he continued to tell me about it and how it was scary because it was not a drill and even he teacher didn't know it was going to happen. I told him I was at school too when it happened and thought it was scary too but knew that he was safe. I asked him if he knew he was safe and he said yes. I asked if his teacher talked about it or told him he was safe and he said no, but he knew his teacher would keep him safe. It means so much to me that he knew from her words and actions throughout the year so far that she would keep him safe. She didn't have to tell him today, he already knew. ❤ 

I don't know details on what the police activity was nor do I need to know. All I care about is that they enforced the lockdown for precautionary reasons because of the activity near the school and they kept my boy safe. I can say that the staff at Antonio's school is amazing and did a fantastic job keeping those kiddos safe. As much as I hope this never happens again other than a drill I do feel better seeing how well they did when it was NOT a drill.

Teachers not only teach our kids but they protect them, even the ones that make everyday a struggle for them. Teachers need more credit, more support, more appreciation and more pay. Where else would the person "in charge" do everything in their power to protect you? In all these school shootings there's always a staff member who either died protecting their students or risked their life to protect students. Teachers are amazing humans! Be sure to thank your child's teacher, I did today. Make sure they know you appreciate them because they do so much for our kids!

Lilly

My last post was somewhat depressing but also very truthful as it was my reality. This will be a much more uplifting post about a family and their new dog! ♥

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As may of you know we rescued a dog right before Christmas from Noah. Albert and Antonio, well more vocally from Antonio, have been begging for a dog for at least a year. I continued to say no to them for two main reasons.

1. I'm not a dog person. Or cat and really any kind pet of person. I don't like pet hair all over my things and me. And I don't want myself or my home to smell like a pet lives here.

2. I would ultimately be the one taking care of the dog since I am home and dogs are a big responsibility. I wasn't ready for that nor was I wanting that.

However, I stalked the Noah website at least once a week if not more at times. We had some specifics we were looking for in a dog though.

•  A small dog.
• A dog that either didn't ever shed or rarely shed.
• One that was not high energy

Those 3 things were important to me, us. When looking for a dog at a shelter it is very hard to be sure that all 3 of those things are met. Most dogs at the shelter don't stay long so they don't get a good sense of what the dogs are like so it's a gamble, another reason I was so hesitant. 

I happened to look at Noah's website one day and saw a super cute terrier mix dog. I told Albert we should go meet him the next day and much to his surprise agreed. Albert and Antonio had tickets to go see the new Star Wars movie that next morning so when they got home we told Antonio we were going to the shelter to look at a dog but there was a good chance we would not leave with a dog. Justin case.

Antonio was very excited! 

I was super nervous and on the way wondered what I had gotten us into. Ha. We got there looked around and didn't see the dog I had seen online but saw Lilly. She was curled up in a ball sleeping. Her paperwork outside her room said she was very shy and timid. She was a small dog and said to be very timid and shy, so 2 of the criteria was met. I thought, perfect... enough! ☺

We asked about the original dog and they said he had been adopted first thing that morning... but that we could meet Lilly, at that time her name was Jessie (like she was meant to be). In her room she was very timid but took to the 3 of us well. We impulsively adopted her and took her home that day! For me it was one of those "what did we just do?!" moments for sure!

We were in no way ready to bring a dog home. We stopped at Petco on the way and I had the same feeling there as I did when I registered at Babies R Us for Antonio; completely overwhelmed! 

• 10 different kinds of beds
• 10 different kinds of food bowls
• More than 10 different kids of dog food (happily Noah gave us a list of brands they fed there)
• 5 or 6 different kinds of harness'
• so many different kinds of treats
• and don't get me started on toys....

And that was to just get necessities. Holy cow! 

I survived Petco and we all survived the first night without any issues! For the first few days she was like a cat. All she did was sleep and barely eat. She was recovering from being spayed the day prior and just trying to get to know her new surroundings. She had been through so much that month. She was brought in to an Los Angeles shelter as a stray the first week of December. She had just had babies and they spayed her there but unfortunately not correctly or she didn't recover well. She was shortly flown to Noah due to lack of space there (most likely due to all the wildfires) and arrived to Noah on the 15th, spayed (again) on the 16th and we met and brought he home on the 17th. Talk about a traumatic month. Poor girl.

Since then she has gotten used to us and our home and her true self has come out. She is so sweet but seems to be very afraid of men, specifically bigger men. She has become a barker... at almost everything and everyone. We clearly need help there. She is very loving and seems to have had some type of training originally as she takes to a crate very well from day one and has the beginning stages of being potty trained. Everyone in awhile she sits when asked as well as coming tom us when called. Monday her and I start basic dog training and I am excited for that. Hopefully she doesn't bark and growl the whole time! Ha! She loves going on walks and loves to run everyone in awhile.

After having Lilly for for a little over 2 weeks I can honestly say I can't imagine my life without her. I am still not a dog person but I am 100% MY dog person! In a weird way I feel like she has completed our little family. Antonio takes such good care of her and loves on her so much! His jobs are to take her out and go potty, take her on walks with us, and feed her. He even knows his job is to pick up the poop and does it without hesitation! I am so impressed with him. 

Albert?! Lilly is obsessed with him. Those two have a bond like no other, it is so sweet. Especially after seeing how she is with men. We've all decided this Christmas break was the best one by far we've had as a family and I think Lilly was a part of that. She knows I love my cuddles with her and lays down next to me every now and then! ♥ I just love her and so much more that I thought I would! Besides a few things we need to work on with her she is perfect for our little family!

It will be another adjustment when Antonio goes back to school tomorrow but it will give Lilly and I a chance to bond and create a routine for the school week. This very much non dog person is absolutely in love with this dog! I hope you all can come over to meet her some time soon, however it will be slowly overtime since she seems to think most people who come over are here to harm her or us.  I saw a window sticker at Petco the other day and so far I feel it applies 100% to us. It said, "my rescue, rescued me". 🎀🐕

2017

Its been awhile since I've posted, so heres your warning.

This may get lengthy and sappy.

2017 was hard... H.A.R.D

Nothing to eventful happened but emotionally it was hard and many times I wondered it I make it. If I would ever feel at least ok again. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a few years now and pretty badly but this year, starting in Spring it was really bad. Really dark. It would come, stay with me every minute of every day and then it would lessen, and a few weeks later the darkness would return. Meanwhile constantly worrying about it coming back.

I was in a deep, very dark trench for pretty much all of August. I shut the world out and constantly prayed and wondered if I would make it through the day. I had pretty much stopped living life. I was constantly counting down the minutes until Albert would come home. I was/am beyond lucky to have such a great husband. He would work all day, come home and cook and clean because I could barely get off the couch. He was basically a single parent and that guilt ate me alive but the problem with depression is that you stop caring... and I did but worried (thanks to anxiety) that he would give up on me and us.

I couldn't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack. Gripping the cart so hard and having massive tunnel vision and my heart beating so loudly in my ears and feeling like at any moment my legs were going to give out and that I was going to pass out all with Antonio with me. So I stopped going because it was just to overwhelming and to scary. I was so scared something would happen with Antonio with me. 

I remember going to my therapist after the hardest week I had had. I told Antonio prior that I might cry but that I was ok. It took less than 5 min before I uncontrollably started crying. It was bad yet so refreshing to let it out. It was that appointment I had told my therapist I needed help, I needed medication. She agreed. I was so against taking medication but I had also hit my bottom so I gave in. 

Meds have helped my day to day life so much and I am so grateful for them. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle and they haven't stopped my anxiety and depression but have helped so much. I feel like I am slowing returning to my life. ♥ This mental illness consumed, and sometimes still does, my life. It controlled every moment of the day...

I will be forever grateful to a couple of amazing friends who never gave up on me even when I ignored their messages. One who offered to take Antonio when they knew I needed it so I didn't have to ask. These ladies somehow truly understood and never, EVER judged. Just supported. When I felt the loneliest one of them always seemed to know and checked in, even from many miles away. Pretty sure I would not have made it without them. ♥

I'm ready for 2018 and a fresh start in a sense.

I am ready for a better, healthier, mentally and physically, me year. My word/saying for 2018 is live in the present. Live my life and be present. Re-adjust some priorities and start doing things for me and my family; putting us first. Not in a selfish way but I've been guilty of putting others and the need for acceptance of others first. I plan to surround myself with people who like and accept me and who bring happiness and not drama to my life. 

Through therapy I've learned I have issues caring way to much, obsessing over what others think of me and what I do. It's ok to care but not as much as I do. I need to focus on bettering myself not just for me but for Albert and Antonio. They deserve the best version of me as much as I do. I have also learned a big part of my anxiety stems from having control issues. So in 2018 I am going to try to be present, not stress about whats happened in the past and not worry about the future and what could happen. After all, I can't change the past nor can I control the future. I know that but I need to learn to believe it truly realize it. Thats the hard part!

As some of you know I just turned 40. I have mixed emotions about it but I've been told by a couple people that their 40s have been the best years of their life so far. I hope thats true. I truly hope the worst is behind me and my 40's will be the best years! 

One of the gals "mentioned" above sent me this pic. Yes I edited it. Sorry, but I wanted to make it some what appropriate, However it is exactly my thoughts of this year and one of those "YES!" moments! Do you feel the same way?!

Below is something that we all need to try to remember! Let's spread kindness everywhere, we all know this world could use it! Cheers to you in the New Year! I hope you find much joy and happiness in 2018!♥

Who Cares?!

I know I don't.

When did everything, society, social media, the news, get so political? Really? I feel like it started a few months prior to the presidential election, which is expected, for any election. But usually after a couple weeks it slows to an almost stop. I know I was so sick of it leading up to the election and I was so looking forward to election and it all being over. But it wasn't, and still isn't. Why is it that everyone is either a Trump supporter or not? I didn't vote for Trump but I am 100% for making America great again and if he can do it then I support him. Because we need to make America great again. 

But we aren't. 

Not even close. 

This isn't going to be about whether I, or you support Trump or not. Because I know for a fact that I have family and friends on both sides. This isn't political. This is purely about making America great again. 

Who cares who you love, I'm just happy you are in love. Its an amazing place to be. ♥ Who has the right to say who you can or can't love? I mean really, don't we all know that we can't control who our heart loves?! If we could, we would have made our high school crush love us back. Heck, Omar and I would've been madly in love way back when. Ha! Clearly that didn't happen so why are we telling people who they should and shouldn't love? I know, the issue is more who you can marry but same difference. 

Who cares where you came from? Where your parents came from? And if you got here legally? I mean, if you are here (in America) working hard, abiding by the law, paying bills AND your taxes, why does it really matter?! If you got here illegally and are not doing any of the above then yes, there should most definitely be some sort of repercussion. Albert, my very hard working, law abiding, now US citizen husband, came to America pretty much illegally and then didn't become officially become a US citizen until about 10 years ago. He had zero control of how he got here but he got here and made the most of it. Just like so many others. Does that mean if he wasn't a US citizen now he should be deported?! I am extremely thankful we don't have to worry about that but so many other good human beings do. Yes, those who aren't yet citizens should work to become one but it takes a lot of time, hard work AND money to be come a US citizen. 

Don't ever generalize or assume because you DO NOT KNOW.

And for crying out loud, who cares if you stand or kneel for the national anthem. I grew up standing and taking your hat off as a sign of respect but really, everyone just does it because everyone else does. Yes, we do it to show respect but how does not standing make you un-American?!? How did the act of not standing become a way to show support of anti-bigotry/racism/hate/etc?! I truly don't understand. Why can't standing for the national anthem just be as simple as showing support of our military and our country? No underlying message or meaning? Why are things so complicated?

I feel like everyone has taken this "freedom of speech" thing WAY out of proportion. Yes, you should be able to think, feel and say whatever you want, whenever you want but there is no reason to do it in a hateful way. You can protest what ever you want but do it peacefully. You can get your point across without being hateful; agree to disagree. It happens every day. And when did voicing your opinion become an open door for arguments, not peaceful discussions and people being so offended?

What are we teaching our children? Don't we want our children to grow up feeling safe in their own skin, feeling like they can do what ever they want, love who ever they want, marry whoever they want and say whatever they want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone? Don't we want them to embrace who they are and stand up for what they feel is right without fearing what will happen if they show their true self and express their opinions? 

Also, why is there more talk about who doesn't stand for the national anthem than there is about the recent natural disasters? How are we helping Puerto Rico and the other places who have recently been hit hard by hurricanes? Or what about Mexico and the earthquakes? In my opinion, there are so many bigger issues right now. Why are we even making this national anthem "thing" such a big issue?! 

We are clearly a divided and hateful country right now and that scares me for so many reasons. We just need to start small, more kindness, love and true concern for each other. At the end of the day we are all humans who need air to breathe, water to drink, want to be loved, feel accepted and bleed red blood regardless of our skin color. I dare you to do one unexpected kind thing tomorrow. It can be anything and doesn't have to be big. Just be the reason someone smiles tomorrow. Lets make America great again, I dare you. ♥♥

Two years.

Wow. It's been 2 years since I put in my 4, FOUR, week notice at MM. Don't ask me why I gave them 4 weeks. I tried to be a good soon to be ex employee but it didn't help them one bit.

Do I miss working there? Heck no!

Do I miss my co-workers? Absolutely!

After becoming a stay at home mom almost 2 years ago, I've learned a lot. A lot about Antonio, his school, his friends and about me. Thanks to twice a month therapy appointments, I've learned that I am a control freak who absolutely wears my heart and emotions on my sleeve (well that 2nd part I pretty much already knew) and who is consumed with what others think/crave their approval. I apologize for that and it's something I'm working hard at but am not succeeding at. Ha.

I'm going in to my 3rd year being heavily involved with Antonio's school PTSA. This year already proving to possibly be the hardest. I've gone from not voicing many opinions and just absorbing, to voicing many opinions, to voicing all my opinions. Which in turn, hasn't necessarily the best idea. I'm finding myself the strong minority in many decisions, which in turn is becoming frustrating to me.  Not by anyones fault but my own. However, PTSA desperately needs help so I am not completely giving up. For the other board members sakes, maybe just not being so involved with the "planning" side of things and taking a step back a bit. I truly love helping Antonio's school and the reward I get from it, is huge! That staff and those kids are truly amazing and deserve the very best! ♥♥ The women I have met through PTSA are amazing as well and because of PTSA I have found lifelong friendships in random places!

Antonio is about to start 3rd grade and I look forward to helping in class or at least the teacher again. I know my time is limited where he will want me around so I soak it up while I still can. He is such a smart, kind, gentle and loving kid. The friends he has made are such good kids too. However, he calls a lot of kids friends he only really has one best buddy and one best friend. I asked him the difference and his answer was spot on. His best buddy is a kid who he loves to play with and spend time with. Someone who is nice to him and would never be mean him. His best friend is someone who he doesn't play with very much but loves to be around him. He is someone who is very nice, always does the right things and is a good person to be around. Those were his words. I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to always play with his best friend, granted, this particular boy has moved out of state but when he was here they didn't play much together. His best buddy is a good kid too and I would be shocked if he didn't always do the right things. Regardless, excellent qualities to have in a best buddy and best friend.

I am 6 months in with Lularoe, which has been amazing. I won't lie, its hard and times have been harder as of lately but this experience is so much fun. The ladies I have met through Lularoe are amazing as well. They are smart, strong and hardworking as well as big hearted! Lularoe is big on "blessing others". If I could give away all of my inventory to unsuspected people everyday I would. Antonio and I handed out leggings about a month ago while we were out doing errands and the reactions people gave us were priceless. Their surprise and joy was so sincere I may have chocked up a bit myself! ♥ Antonio said he wants to give free things to people every time we go out! Ha! Me to kid but we can't, I have to make some money!

I truly miss my co workers from MM though. I've stopped in at their new location a couple times and its been bittersweet to see them and the new employees. I don't think I could ever go back there to work, especially as long as my old boss is there but it is nice to stop in and chat. I've always been better working with men than women and with the guys I worked with, I was myself, wholeheartedly. And because they, for the most part, were middle aged men I didn't care what they thought, which turns out is rare for me.

Looking back, the decision to quit 2 years ago was the best decision we've made. The time I've had with Antonio can never be replaced and I am forever grateful for that time and my very hard working husband. I am a lucky lady. Wish me luck, I have a couple things weighing heavily on my mind lately and hope decisions made are the right ones for all involved! ♥