This may get lengthy and sappy.
2017 was hard... H.A.R.D
Nothing to eventful happened but emotionally it was hard and many times I wondered it I make it. If I would ever feel at least ok again. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a few years now and pretty badly but this year, starting in Spring it was really bad. Really dark. It would come, stay with me every minute of every day and then it would lessen, and a few weeks later the darkness would return. Meanwhile constantly worrying about it coming back.
I was in a deep, very dark trench for pretty much all of August. I shut the world out and constantly prayed and wondered if I would make it through the day. I had pretty much stopped living life. I was constantly counting down the minutes until Albert would come home. I was/am beyond lucky to have such a great husband. He would work all day, come home and cook and clean because I could barely get off the couch. He was basically a single parent and that guilt ate me alive but the problem with depression is that you stop caring... and I did but worried (thanks to anxiety) that he would give up on me and us.
I couldn't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack. Gripping the cart so hard and having massive tunnel vision and my heart beating so loudly in my ears and feeling like at any moment my legs were going to give out and that I was going to pass out all with Antonio with me. So I stopped going because it was just to overwhelming and to scary. I was so scared something would happen with Antonio with me.
I remember going to my therapist after the hardest week I had had. I told Antonio prior that I might cry but that I was ok. It took less than 5 min before I uncontrollably started crying. It was bad yet so refreshing to let it out. It was that appointment I had told my therapist I needed help, I needed medication. She agreed. I was so against taking medication but I had also hit my bottom so I gave in.
Meds have helped my day to day life so much and I am so grateful for them. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle and they haven't stopped my anxiety and depression but have helped so much. I feel like I am slowing returning to my life. ♥ This mental illness consumed, and sometimes still does, my life. It controlled every moment of the day...
I will be forever grateful to a couple of amazing friends who never gave up on me even when I ignored their messages. One who offered to take Antonio when they knew I needed it so I didn't have to ask. These ladies somehow truly understood and never, EVER judged. Just supported. When I felt the loneliest one of them always seemed to know and checked in, even from many miles away. Pretty sure I would not have made it without them. ♥
I'm ready for 2018 and a fresh start in a sense.
I am ready for a better, healthier, mentally and physically, me year. My word/saying for 2018 is live in the present. Live my life and be present. Re-adjust some priorities and start doing things for me and my family; putting us first. Not in a selfish way but I've been guilty of putting others and the need for acceptance of others first. I plan to surround myself with people who like and accept me and who bring happiness and not drama to my life.
Through therapy I've learned I have issues caring way to much, obsessing over what others think of me and what I do. It's ok to care but not as much as I do. I need to focus on bettering myself not just for me but for Albert and Antonio. They deserve the best version of me as much as I do. I have also learned a big part of my anxiety stems from having control issues. So in 2018 I am going to try to be present, not stress about whats happened in the past and not worry about the future and what could happen. After all, I can't change the past nor can I control the future. I know that but I need to learn to believe it truly realize it. Thats the hard part!
As some of you know I just turned 40. I have mixed emotions about it but I've been told by a couple people that their 40s have been the best years of their life so far. I hope thats true. I truly hope the worst is behind me and my 40's will be the best years!
One of the gals "mentioned" above sent me this pic. Yes I edited it. Sorry, but I wanted to make it some what appropriate, However it is exactly my thoughts of this year and one of those "YES!" moments! Do you feel the same way?!
Below is something that we all need to try to remember! Let's spread kindness everywhere, we all know this world could use it! Cheers to you in the New Year! I hope you find much joy and happiness in 2018!♥
