2017

Its been awhile since I've posted, so heres your warning.

This may get lengthy and sappy.

2017 was hard... H.A.R.D

Nothing to eventful happened but emotionally it was hard and many times I wondered it I make it. If I would ever feel at least ok again. I've struggled with anxiety and depression for a few years now and pretty badly but this year, starting in Spring it was really bad. Really dark. It would come, stay with me every minute of every day and then it would lessen, and a few weeks later the darkness would return. Meanwhile constantly worrying about it coming back.

I was in a deep, very dark trench for pretty much all of August. I shut the world out and constantly prayed and wondered if I would make it through the day. I had pretty much stopped living life. I was constantly counting down the minutes until Albert would come home. I was/am beyond lucky to have such a great husband. He would work all day, come home and cook and clean because I could barely get off the couch. He was basically a single parent and that guilt ate me alive but the problem with depression is that you stop caring... and I did but worried (thanks to anxiety) that he would give up on me and us.

I couldn't even go to the grocery store without having a panic attack. Gripping the cart so hard and having massive tunnel vision and my heart beating so loudly in my ears and feeling like at any moment my legs were going to give out and that I was going to pass out all with Antonio with me. So I stopped going because it was just to overwhelming and to scary. I was so scared something would happen with Antonio with me. 

I remember going to my therapist after the hardest week I had had. I told Antonio prior that I might cry but that I was ok. It took less than 5 min before I uncontrollably started crying. It was bad yet so refreshing to let it out. It was that appointment I had told my therapist I needed help, I needed medication. She agreed. I was so against taking medication but I had also hit my bottom so I gave in. 

Meds have helped my day to day life so much and I am so grateful for them. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle and they haven't stopped my anxiety and depression but have helped so much. I feel like I am slowing returning to my life. ♥ This mental illness consumed, and sometimes still does, my life. It controlled every moment of the day...

I will be forever grateful to a couple of amazing friends who never gave up on me even when I ignored their messages. One who offered to take Antonio when they knew I needed it so I didn't have to ask. These ladies somehow truly understood and never, EVER judged. Just supported. When I felt the loneliest one of them always seemed to know and checked in, even from many miles away. Pretty sure I would not have made it without them. ♥

I'm ready for 2018 and a fresh start in a sense.

I am ready for a better, healthier, mentally and physically, me year. My word/saying for 2018 is live in the present. Live my life and be present. Re-adjust some priorities and start doing things for me and my family; putting us first. Not in a selfish way but I've been guilty of putting others and the need for acceptance of others first. I plan to surround myself with people who like and accept me and who bring happiness and not drama to my life. 

Through therapy I've learned I have issues caring way to much, obsessing over what others think of me and what I do. It's ok to care but not as much as I do. I need to focus on bettering myself not just for me but for Albert and Antonio. They deserve the best version of me as much as I do. I have also learned a big part of my anxiety stems from having control issues. So in 2018 I am going to try to be present, not stress about whats happened in the past and not worry about the future and what could happen. After all, I can't change the past nor can I control the future. I know that but I need to learn to believe it truly realize it. Thats the hard part!

As some of you know I just turned 40. I have mixed emotions about it but I've been told by a couple people that their 40s have been the best years of their life so far. I hope thats true. I truly hope the worst is behind me and my 40's will be the best years! 

One of the gals "mentioned" above sent me this pic. Yes I edited it. Sorry, but I wanted to make it some what appropriate, However it is exactly my thoughts of this year and one of those "YES!" moments! Do you feel the same way?!

Below is something that we all need to try to remember! Let's spread kindness everywhere, we all know this world could use it! Cheers to you in the New Year! I hope you find much joy and happiness in 2018!♥

Who Cares?!

I know I don't.

When did everything, society, social media, the news, get so political? Really? I feel like it started a few months prior to the presidential election, which is expected, for any election. But usually after a couple weeks it slows to an almost stop. I know I was so sick of it leading up to the election and I was so looking forward to election and it all being over. But it wasn't, and still isn't. Why is it that everyone is either a Trump supporter or not? I didn't vote for Trump but I am 100% for making America great again and if he can do it then I support him. Because we need to make America great again. 

But we aren't. 

Not even close. 

This isn't going to be about whether I, or you support Trump or not. Because I know for a fact that I have family and friends on both sides. This isn't political. This is purely about making America great again. 

Who cares who you love, I'm just happy you are in love. Its an amazing place to be. ♥ Who has the right to say who you can or can't love? I mean really, don't we all know that we can't control who our heart loves?! If we could, we would have made our high school crush love us back. Heck, Omar and I would've been madly in love way back when. Ha! Clearly that didn't happen so why are we telling people who they should and shouldn't love? I know, the issue is more who you can marry but same difference. 

Who cares where you came from? Where your parents came from? And if you got here legally? I mean, if you are here (in America) working hard, abiding by the law, paying bills AND your taxes, why does it really matter?! If you got here illegally and are not doing any of the above then yes, there should most definitely be some sort of repercussion. Albert, my very hard working, law abiding, now US citizen husband, came to America pretty much illegally and then didn't become officially become a US citizen until about 10 years ago. He had zero control of how he got here but he got here and made the most of it. Just like so many others. Does that mean if he wasn't a US citizen now he should be deported?! I am extremely thankful we don't have to worry about that but so many other good human beings do. Yes, those who aren't yet citizens should work to become one but it takes a lot of time, hard work AND money to be come a US citizen. 

Don't ever generalize or assume because you DO NOT KNOW.

And for crying out loud, who cares if you stand or kneel for the national anthem. I grew up standing and taking your hat off as a sign of respect but really, everyone just does it because everyone else does. Yes, we do it to show respect but how does not standing make you un-American?!? How did the act of not standing become a way to show support of anti-bigotry/racism/hate/etc?! I truly don't understand. Why can't standing for the national anthem just be as simple as showing support of our military and our country? No underlying message or meaning? Why are things so complicated?

I feel like everyone has taken this "freedom of speech" thing WAY out of proportion. Yes, you should be able to think, feel and say whatever you want, whenever you want but there is no reason to do it in a hateful way. You can protest what ever you want but do it peacefully. You can get your point across without being hateful; agree to disagree. It happens every day. And when did voicing your opinion become an open door for arguments, not peaceful discussions and people being so offended?

What are we teaching our children? Don't we want our children to grow up feeling safe in their own skin, feeling like they can do what ever they want, love who ever they want, marry whoever they want and say whatever they want as long as it doesn't hurt anyone? Don't we want them to embrace who they are and stand up for what they feel is right without fearing what will happen if they show their true self and express their opinions? 

Also, why is there more talk about who doesn't stand for the national anthem than there is about the recent natural disasters? How are we helping Puerto Rico and the other places who have recently been hit hard by hurricanes? Or what about Mexico and the earthquakes? In my opinion, there are so many bigger issues right now. Why are we even making this national anthem "thing" such a big issue?! 

We are clearly a divided and hateful country right now and that scares me for so many reasons. We just need to start small, more kindness, love and true concern for each other. At the end of the day we are all humans who need air to breathe, water to drink, want to be loved, feel accepted and bleed red blood regardless of our skin color. I dare you to do one unexpected kind thing tomorrow. It can be anything and doesn't have to be big. Just be the reason someone smiles tomorrow. Lets make America great again, I dare you. ♥♥

Two years.

Wow. It's been 2 years since I put in my 4, FOUR, week notice at MM. Don't ask me why I gave them 4 weeks. I tried to be a good soon to be ex employee but it didn't help them one bit.

Do I miss working there? Heck no!

Do I miss my co-workers? Absolutely!

After becoming a stay at home mom almost 2 years ago, I've learned a lot. A lot about Antonio, his school, his friends and about me. Thanks to twice a month therapy appointments, I've learned that I am a control freak who absolutely wears my heart and emotions on my sleeve (well that 2nd part I pretty much already knew) and who is consumed with what others think/crave their approval. I apologize for that and it's something I'm working hard at but am not succeeding at. Ha.

I'm going in to my 3rd year being heavily involved with Antonio's school PTSA. This year already proving to possibly be the hardest. I've gone from not voicing many opinions and just absorbing, to voicing many opinions, to voicing all my opinions. Which in turn, hasn't necessarily the best idea. I'm finding myself the strong minority in many decisions, which in turn is becoming frustrating to me.  Not by anyones fault but my own. However, PTSA desperately needs help so I am not completely giving up. For the other board members sakes, maybe just not being so involved with the "planning" side of things and taking a step back a bit. I truly love helping Antonio's school and the reward I get from it, is huge! That staff and those kids are truly amazing and deserve the very best! ♥♥ The women I have met through PTSA are amazing as well and because of PTSA I have found lifelong friendships in random places!

Antonio is about to start 3rd grade and I look forward to helping in class or at least the teacher again. I know my time is limited where he will want me around so I soak it up while I still can. He is such a smart, kind, gentle and loving kid. The friends he has made are such good kids too. However, he calls a lot of kids friends he only really has one best buddy and one best friend. I asked him the difference and his answer was spot on. His best buddy is a kid who he loves to play with and spend time with. Someone who is nice to him and would never be mean him. His best friend is someone who he doesn't play with very much but loves to be around him. He is someone who is very nice, always does the right things and is a good person to be around. Those were his words. I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to always play with his best friend, granted, this particular boy has moved out of state but when he was here they didn't play much together. His best buddy is a good kid too and I would be shocked if he didn't always do the right things. Regardless, excellent qualities to have in a best buddy and best friend.

I am 6 months in with Lularoe, which has been amazing. I won't lie, its hard and times have been harder as of lately but this experience is so much fun. The ladies I have met through Lularoe are amazing as well. They are smart, strong and hardworking as well as big hearted! Lularoe is big on "blessing others". If I could give away all of my inventory to unsuspected people everyday I would. Antonio and I handed out leggings about a month ago while we were out doing errands and the reactions people gave us were priceless. Their surprise and joy was so sincere I may have chocked up a bit myself! ♥ Antonio said he wants to give free things to people every time we go out! Ha! Me to kid but we can't, I have to make some money!

I truly miss my co workers from MM though. I've stopped in at their new location a couple times and its been bittersweet to see them and the new employees. I don't think I could ever go back there to work, especially as long as my old boss is there but it is nice to stop in and chat. I've always been better working with men than women and with the guys I worked with, I was myself, wholeheartedly. And because they, for the most part, were middle aged men I didn't care what they thought, which turns out is rare for me.

Looking back, the decision to quit 2 years ago was the best decision we've made. The time I've had with Antonio can never be replaced and I am forever grateful for that time and my very hard working husband. I am a lucky lady. Wish me luck, I have a couple things weighing heavily on my mind lately and hope decisions made are the right ones for all involved! ♥

LuLaRoe

As some of you know I am have interested in becoming a LLR (LuLaRoe) consultant. I really love their clothing, it is ridiculously comfortable, fashionable, fun and I feel great in it.

This is pretty accurate! :)

I have been researching for about a month now on what exactly becoming a consultant entails. As it turns out, being a LLR consultant is a legit business but is nothing like the other consultant/direct sales jobs which is kinda why I like it and also why it makes me incredibly nervous.

Here are a few things I've learned:

→ As a LLR consultant you own your own inventory. There are no catalogs or websites for customers to order and buy from. I would have the option to host in home "pop ups" (where I would bring all my items to a friends house and they would invite their friends to shop), open house pop ups (where people could come to my house and shop), multi consultant sales (where I would take my items to a central location along with other consultants for people to shop), and online sales.

→ There is no direct competition between LLR consultants because everyone has different inventory. Different inventory as in, different patterns, colors and even styles. There are only so many pieces made in each patter the likelihood of every consultant in Marysville having the same exact thing is VERY unlikely! In fact I went to a multi consultant sale today. There were about 12 consultants with their inventory and I only saw maybe 3 or 4 items that were a duplicated in all.

→ There is no pyramid scheme. I do not have to create a "team" or recruit people to become consultants in order for me to make money. All I have to do is sell the clothes, which pretty much sell themselves!

→ There is no "quota" that I need to meet each month. I can sell 1 piece or 1,000, that is up to me. Although, the more I would sell the more I would make so if I am only selling 1 piece a month I really shouldn't be a consultant!

→ I would have to apply and obtain a business license and pay quarterly taxes which, to be honest, still intimidates me. I feel like I have enough of an idea on how that works to be able to make a good decision.

→ Once signed up, I'd have to wait 6-8 weeks before LLR calls me and asks if I'm sure I want to do this. Ha. At that point I would say yes and purchase my initial inventory package or tell them I changed my mind and don't want to be a consultant.

→ That initial inventory package is not cheap BUT I would be buying my actual inventory so it is more of an investment than a fee which I would make back and them some.

→ Because I am a pessimist I researched on how or what happens it I get in over my head and want out. Turns outs, there is a fairly easy "out". I can literately sell everything back to LLR less a restocking fee or I can sell it to current consultants who would buy it back and I would not loose anything. Phew....

So after going back and forth I have decided to have courage (see my last post) and sign up because just what if I succeed?! I have an amazing sponsor (basically a trainer), Tina, who will train me, help me get started, encourage, support and make sure I succeed. She is local here in Marysville and has been so patient with all of my questions. I look forward to getting to know her better and learning all her LLR wisdom! ❤

With the 6-8 week window in place, I am looking to get my call about the end of February. I am beyond excited, and nervous; probably equal parts of each. I am very new to LLR so there is so much to learn but I am ready and anxious. Those of you who are familiar with LLR, you probably already have your go to consultant but I would love to have your support in my journey with LLR too and the chance to help you find your unicorn or another piece to feel amazing in. For those of you who have zero idea as to what LLR is, here is their website: http://www.lularoe.com if you are interested. I would be honored to be the one who introduced you to their clothing and help you find the perfect piece to feel amazing in! There is truly something for everyone and sizing is XXS - 3XL!  ❤

For those of you reading this via Facebook, you are on a custom list there and not everyone on my friends list is on it or has access to this blog. Yes, consider yourself special. ☺ So I have not announced this publicly yet, but will soon. Once I get a Facebook group created I will announce it to all my "friends".

I will have a separate group page from my personal page, where I will sell, advertise and create events on everything LLR. Once I create the group you will be able to join it if you are interested. If you do not want to join the group please don't feel obligated to. I will only every once in awhile mention LLR on my personal timeline so if you're not interested you won't have to hear about it all the time. That isn't me, I don't like to "sell" you on something you really aren't interested in. Hence the fact I am really glad I don't have to recruit people because honestly, I would fail at that! Ha.

I know that there are some of you reading this who may have your doubts or want to question my decision on becoming a consultant but please don't. If we're close, and you know who you are, and have concerns, feel free to ask but I have probably thought all your concerns already, remember, I suffer from anxiety. This was a really hard decision for me to make but I believe I made an educated one. Sure there is a lot I don't know right now, but thank goodness I have 6 - 8 weeks to learn and prep for it. Worse case is when they call I have realized I was crazy for making this decision I can tell them no thank you.

Albert is 100% on board with me which truly helped make my decision. It will be nice to help, if even just a little, financially too. Some women make a ton of money doing this. I am not sure I will be one of them but if I could pay the mortgage for us each month I would call it a big success! It will be a lot of work, but fun and rewarding work. There is something really amazing about being able to help other women find pieces that fit them well, make them feel as beautiful as they truly are and boost their confidence. I can't wait!

Thank you in advance to all of you who will support and encourage me along the way. ❤