Courage.

It's that time of year again, New Years Eve is this Saturday and only 361 days until Christmas! (ha!)

Last year I noticed that instead of a new years resolution, some people chose a "word" for the 2016 year. Personally, I've never been a fan of the whole new years resolution thing, I feel like they just set us all up for potential failure. Honestly, I didn't really get the idea of choosing a "word", it seemed weird to me. This year I think I understand it more and actually kinda like it. Then again, maybe I don't understand but I have found my own interpretation of the idea. Here's how I see it:

↠ There aren't any specific things one has to do, or not do. It's more of a theme to live by for the upcoming year instead of an actual action like loosing weight, saving money, traveling or exercisng more, etc. Which we always seem to fail at in way or another.  

I feel like with having a word for the new year it can cover a broader spectrum, more of a general idea. So whats my word for 2017 you ask?

To have courage.

As some of you know I've been struggling with making a decision in whether or not to sell LuLaRoe. I've been doing a lot of research and yet still can't make a decision. Many of you know I struggle/battle with anxiety...

Every. Single. Day. 

Because of that, making this decision has been even harder for me. Earlier this year I had a friend send me a "saying" she had posted on her timeline. I printed it out and framed it. I thought it was a good daily reminder for myself. Then this Christmas I received the "courage" willow tree angel from one of my dearest friends who knows me better than I probably realize. I didn't realize at the time I received it how very perfect it was for me. ❤ 

I have been seeing a therapist for my anxiety for about 4 months now and it has helped me in ways I didn't expect. She has helped me realize what causes my anxiety, which is a first step. Well not the actual causes but more of what fuels it: fear, all "what if's" (fear of the unknown) is HUGE, what everyone else thinks and lack of control. If I can find the courage to just do things without letting all the fear consume me, that would be half the battle, if not more. ☺ 

2017 will be the year I hope (<----see, theres that fear of committing) to have courage to make decisions (1 in particular right now) and do more. Go out more, experience more, enjoy more (without being in a constant state of anxiety), have the courage to say "no" more, not be so afraid of failing and be able to be me more without the fear of what others think. 

Yikes, all that seems so scary and takes a lot courage.... 

Wish me luck. 

Chapter Four....?

A new chapter might be starting for me, well, us. I stress the might right now because I haven't decided for sure yet. It would be a big leap of faith however, as it turns out not as big of a risk as I initially thought.

I'm (seriously) considering becoming a LulaRoe consultant. A couple months ago I purchased my first pair of LLR leggings and fell in love. Seriously fell in love. They truly are as soft as they are advertised to be. Wearing leggings was a big step in itself. I don't have big legs but they are in no way small or toned. I felt a little naked, exposed and self conscious at first, but after wearing them out in public a few times I grew comfortable in them. In fact, I felt amazing in them, truly. I was incredibly comfortable, there was no muffin top action because they came up and over my stomach and I even received a couple compliments. ♥ I rarely get compliments on what I wear. I hope it isn't because I look awful or have terrible taste, just that I wasn't "stand out cute". ☺ With LLR I am apparently stand out cute and who doesn't like compliments?! LLR carries so much more than just leggings; dresses, skirts, tops, kids items and more. All of which can make you feel amazing in! ♥

About a week ago I hosted a "pop-up" party and had LLR consultant, Mary, co-host with me. It was so much fun! I invited friends (and even some family) over; we shopped, snacked and chatted. It was so much fun! Mary made it look easy too! Thanks to all of you who purchased items, I earned two FREE items! At the end of the party, a couple of us were quizzing Mary on how to become a consultant. Since then, her and I have been chatting about it and now I am seriously considering it. I have my reservations but I'm thinking about "jumping in". 😬 

Yes, there's a hefty start up investment, no we can't afford it, but after researching and reading the "agreement" I've learned that it is essentially fully refundable. If I agree to "sign up" I enter into what they call a queue, waiting period, for approximately 8 weeks before LLR actually accepts my "application". Once they do, it's at that point I can say "yes, I want to become a consultant" or "no, I have changed my mind.". It is reassuring that after those weeks I can still change my mind. Assuming I say yes, it is then I would pay the investment cost which is actually the purchasing of my initial order of items. Once I receive the items I can begin selling them and making my money back right away!! After I get my initial order I can STILL  change my mind! I could send my all items back to LLR and gets a refund less a 15% restocking fee OR sell all my items at cost to other consultants and get ALL my money back! And selling them to consultants or even customers is a relatively easy option.

Phew... Call me a pessimist but being able to stop doing all this at any point is reassuring to me. 

One of my concerns is getting "in over my head". That and the actual business side of things. Because of always having my inventory on hand (which is one of my favorite parts of LLR), versus having customers (you) order from a catalog, and then being responsible for collecting the money from purchases, I would become an actual business owner! Yikes. Thats serious business and THAT really intimidates me too! 

Another nice thing is that other consultants would not competition to me. There are no "territories". Every time I would order items all I get to do is pick styles and sizing, LLR chooses and sends the patterns. There is a limited number of patterns made in any particular style, therefore, each piece is more of a "one-of-a-kind" and customers (you, again) can shop with multiple consultants because everyone has different patterns available! This is what makes LLR unique. I could and probably would, do most of my sales via a FB group and occasionally host open house pop ups at my house and do pop up parties at friends homes (with their friends) within a close radius of my home since I don't have a ideal way to transport everything! My jetta is only so big! ☺

Albert is incredibly supportive of this new potential adventure which makes it a possibility. This would also be a great opportunity to be able to contribute some income to our family as well. Luckily, we are doing just fine without needing this for more income but of course it would be nice. ☺ A positive and negative is that I would do a lot of the work. LLR does very little for me. The positive with that is that I could essentially make it my own business and make it work for me because it would be my own business. The negative, is that I have to do so much. The only thing I would have to do is purchase 30 items each month to stay "active". I'm guessing if I'm doing it right at all, that would be easy. I have been researching and debating for about a week now. If I am honest, it I'm hesitant because I'm not sure I could do it. It would be a big step and that scares me, a lot. Its such a big decision and in my mind there are so many "what if's" but if you really know me, "what if's" always consume my mind, not just with this decision but with everyday life. 

What if I fail and just can't do this?

But what if I can do this and succeed?! 

If I do decide to start this LLR journey I would greatly appreciate your support. I would ask you all only once if you would want to join my LLR group to learn about and/or purchase items in the future and thats it. I promise to not constantly post about it on my personal timeline! ♥

Reasons, I wish I knew

Sappy post alert.

I'm a huge believer in "everything happens for a reason". And as per the usual, you never know what that reason is at the time but usually (hopefully) looking back you see it. I've been incredibly lucky to have met some amazing ladies since leaving MM. Some of which I've been lucky enough to become good friends with. They seem to have come into my life just when I needed them and have helped me become a better friend, Mama, and person. All of their friendships have been loving, understanding, genuine and most of all, supportive. They have shown me it is possible for women to be supportive and encouraging to each other and not judgmental and mean.

Women often mention their "tribe" of close friends or "my people" and I never really knew what it was like, until recently. My "group" isn't big, maybe 5 or 6 but that is ok because its 3 or 4 more than I had two years ago. However, I recently found out I am losing one of them and I kinda feel like I got sucker punched...

My initial thoughts were selfish and angry because she just came into my life. The more I thought about it, the more heartbreaking it became because she, without her really knowing, had become "my person". Our friendship evolved slowly and quietly and at some point, unbeknownst to me, she became that person in my life and I hadn't really realized that until she told me she was moving. ♥

Just typing this and thinking about her leaving puts a lump in my throat and quiver in my chin.

Just by being around her you want to be a better person and every time she leaves you feeling better about yourself and you think, "Man, I just love her" and I do; so much. She is truly 1 in a million. ♥

The next couple months before she officially leaves will be hard but I am going to do my best not to put up those walls. Because as most of you know, thats just what I do, I put up walls, really big ones and I distance myself so I don't have to deal with the heartbreak.

Happily I do have a few other friends who are pretty amazing too. I'm pretty lucky and I am pretty sure I hit the jackpot of when it comes to friends.☺ I've never been one to have a lot of friends, for me its quality over quantity. I pick and choose my friends pretty specifically so I tend to have quite a few "aquaintance friends" but really only have a handful true friends; friends who I would give the shirt off my back for.

This move will be an amazing opportunity for her and her family so I am happy for her. One that they would be crazy not to take so I know her reason for leaving. What I don't understand is the reason she was put in my life, when apparently I needed her so badly, only to be taken away so soon. I know the positive impact she has made on my life but why take that/her away? (see, here are my selfish thoughts and questions.)

Why??!

Yes, I know she isn't dying or anything tragic like that but no matter how much you try to deny it, distance, on any type of relationship, changes it and usually hurts it... She has become not just an everyday friend but hopefully a forever friend. ♥  I've come to grips with that fact she is leaving (I think) and that I can/should put on my big girl pants and turn my emotions to happiness and excitement for her. Because after all, it is exciting and will be such an amazing opportunity for her and her family! I will deal with (or maybe not. ha!) the goodbye when it happens. Regardless I will miss her terribly and just wish I knew the reason as to why she came in to my life only to "leave" so soon. If someone would just say, "She came in to your life to <blank> and now is leaving because <blank>, but <blank>." I would take all this much better...I think. ☺

Ten months

**Turns out this gets a little mushy at the end, sorry. That was not my intention originally but I am keeping it that way. :)

 It's been almost exactly 10 months since I left Mutual Materials.

TEN months!

A part of me feels like it was yesterday yet, another part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. I was so happy to be leaving. I had been there 12 years and the people I met and grew to truly like, I miss. Very much still to this day. In fact I stopped by a couple weeks ago to see them and as I left I felt happy. Happy to have seen them and happy that I was leaving and not going back the next day. Ha! Still so much drama there!  The last 10 months have been the most rewarding and fun 10 months I've had in a very long time. I am so different now too. I am still me just not the dirty mouthed, stressed out, unhappy version. I care more about me, how I present myself and I put more effort into things. Funny how much more effort one can put towards something when the truly enjoy and believe in it!  I am much more content now too! )

I was able to be involved in Antonio's school this year and I met some amazing people. I helped in Antonio's classroom every week and not only got to see what goes on in the room but got to know his teacher and classmates. It was so fun to see how much they grew in 10 months too. I'm going to miss seeing them every week. 

While there I also got the chance to learn the school, how it runs, whats expected of the students and best of all I got to know some of the staff. I feel so lucky to have Antonio go to the school he does. I remember thinking when I first saw it that it was little on the "dumpy" and I wondered if it looked like that on the outside, what it would be like on the inside. It is just another example of why you should to judge a book by its cover. :) The principal and staff are amazing and the kids are happy! 

Working with the PTSA I was able to plan and help host so many fun things. I got the inside scoop on all the activities and I even had a say in them. The PTSA did not have any sort of social media prior to this year, so I created and now admin a private group page for them. At times it is a lot of work but is so rewarding and fun seeing how people, parents, utilize it. I am actually pretty proud of it! :) I did not sign up to be on the board next year nor do I have any intention of doing so in the future. I will miss having such a big say in how things are done and run but will enjoy just volunteering without all of the pressure.

Not only did I get to do all that but I met some pretty amazing women! The two main ladies who ran the PTSA this past year are leaving and will not be around next year. Their kids are headed to middle school; eek! Turns out I am going to sincerely miss them next year. They gave so much of their heart and soul to this school and not only will I miss them but I am pretty sure the school will too. I am however, excited for the new board to take over and take charge! Next year is going to be so much fun!

The past 10 months I have made a few new friends, which come to find out, I really needed. I didn't realize it until recently either. I have friends but honestly, I have lost touch with so many of them since they live just a little to far for the frequent hang outs. I was consumed by work and family and just lost touch. And it wasn't one-sided, it just happened, with all of us. Before we knew it, weeks had gone by, then months and it just became harder to find time and then we just got lazy. That breaks my heart a little, more now than then because I wasn't aware of how bad it was.

Happily I "found" two ladies who I actually call friends, actual friends. It helps we have boys who are in the same grade which helped create a common ground to build on. I wasn't aware at how badly I needed girlfriends until these two came into my life, both at different times, in different ways and for different reasons. Cheesy, I know, but true. I hope to keep these two in my life long after PTSA and even if our boys don't stay friends.

One I met after Antonio wanted to invite her son to his birthday last year and I quickly realized how similar we are. Just looking at her or talking to her you can tell she is fun and easy-going,  I almost instantly felt comfortable around her. <---That kinda sounds weird but I meant in the most normal way. Turns out she really is fun and easy-going! Ha!

The other I met via PTSA this fall. She is smart and takes control of a room, in the most kind and positive way. She's kept me in line and grounded when things got a bit "emotional" this year. She also makes me want to be a better person, the best version of me possible. I adore both of them, that sounds kinda creepy too. They are so much fun (not that I know them that well yet) and amazing women who also happen to be raising pretty amazing boys. I can only hope the boys all stay friends for life because the families where the come from are amazing!

Both of them know I suffer from anxiety and each time we've gone somewhere they ask a simple, "how are you doing?" or "are you doing ok?". And then its left alone. Seriously, that is the best I could ask for. It lets me know they are aware yet don't want to dwell on it  or ignore it and I greatly appreciate that. One of these times I will respond with, "I'm freaking out" and I know they will be amazing, because that is just what they are. I truly hope to get to know them both better in the near future and hope they become/stay lifelong friends of mine. Every girl needs friends like these two! <3

As I took off my badge today for the last time for a few months, I realized that it is so much more than just that. It is a symbol of what I have done and who I've become over the past 10 months. Yes, I am that Mom. The mom who is always at school, volunteering in class and with the PTSA and I like it! :)