Tattoos

So this happened last night and I absolutely love it. 

It is so incredibly meaningful and personal too. 

As most of you know I’ve suffered pretty severely from anxiety and depression. Last summer I hit what I’d like to think was my rock bottom and decided I needed more help than just my therapy sessions. Happily my therapist is not a pill pusher because at first I was 110% against medication. I didn't want to have to depend on it nor did I want to put meds in my body. But in the midst of a very dark couple weeks where I was beginning to loose my will to go on and felt I was completely letting Albert and Antonio down in every possible way I went to my therapy appt and sobbed. 

Hard and uncontrollably.

My therapist and I both agreed I needed more. She recommended me going to a psychiatrist to talk about meds. I did and let me tell you, it has been amazing. I started out taking very small doses and slowing increased it. I almost instantly felt better in everyday life. 

I cared more. 

I began to be more present. 

I hate to be so cliché but it has been life changing. I could not believe how much just a small about helped. I think I've found a good dosage now. I still have anxiety when going anywhere out of Marysville but I'd like to think I'm getting there. 

I never considered suicide but in those dark weeks I was close and that scared me. A lot.

It is really hard to talk about with people who don't understand. Because if you haven't lived with it you don't really understand. I appreciate you trying to understand but you don't unless you live with it. I am lucky enough (unfortunately) to have a couple friends who live with it or have lived with it so they get it. Truly understand it and me. ♡♡

Most of you have probably heard of the semicolon project or what the semi color means in the mental illness community. If not, the best way to explain it is, like an author who uses it instead of ending a sentence when they could, they choose to continue the sentence.  I am the author of my life. When I could have given up, I chose not to. I chose to continue on.

I want to continue and take my life and myself back. I want to be the mom, wife and friend people deserve.  And rediscover who I am and want to be. I want to LIVE. ♡

Originally I was going to do this...

But then my friend Tanya who went with me told me the meaning behind the lotus flower (which she was getting) and I knew I needed that. Happily she was fine with me copying her. Ha. For those of you who don't know the meaning of the lotus. It grows from a root in mud and muddy water to become a beautiful flower. We all have something to rise above from... I am rising from my very muddy recent past to a new beginning. ♡ So it was perfect. 

She also suffers as I do and so she is one of those who truly understands so I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. She has been there in ways others couldn't be and I will be forever grateful to her support, understanding and friendship. Mental illness is no joke and needs to less stigmatized and more accepted. Just because we look happy and "together" doesn't mean are not suffering. Most days we are good at hiding it while we are "freaking out" inside. Some days are better than others. I'm hoping my future is filled with better days, thanks to medication. 

The tattoo process has come a long way from my last one 20-ish years ago. I am already planning my next one, or two. I'm ready to go back today! Ha! These are my next ideas... What do you think? And probably sooner than later for at least one fo them. 

This one would probably go on the same arm as my current one. And most likely different font. 

This one would have Antonio's finger print. On my other wrist.

It would be Antonio's name. Again on my other wrist/arm or maybe even same arm but on the side it shows here.

This would have Antonio Thomas. Again on my other wrist.

What do you think? I'm thinking get both the inhale exhale and then one for Antonio. Who wants to go with me when I do?!

Lockdown.

Today there was a lockdown at Antonio’s school. By chance I was there doing a couple PTSA things AND the lockdown was only because of police activity in the area. 

But there was a lockdown and it was not a drill.

Our PTSA is lucky enough to have a portable all to ourselves. When the lockdown happened I knew it was different from the drill they have every so often. I could tell from the announcement. There was a different tone. A couple minutes later another announcement came over saying the lockdown was still in place and that it was not a drill.

WHAT?!?! 

I'll be honest, I panicked and said to Rebecca, who was there with me, "Oh My God".

I quickly knew, thanks to social media, it was because of the police activity and not because of a shooter or anything else. But I was panicking. 

Even though I was there and could see all was fine at the school. I was panicking. I wanted to see Antonio and reassure him all was fine. How was he handling it? Was his teacher reassuring everyone that they were ok? Because even the teachers were caught off guard by this. 

I learned that IF there was a shooter on campus the announcement over the intercom would say so. 😱 That made me feel better knowing we’d know if there was but also freaked me out that then the kids would also know. That would change those kids lives, some more than others. The whole thing/idea scares me. 

How is this is our reality? This is surely Antonio's reality for the rest of his life. Whether it be at school or in a workplace or at a movie. These things happen. And more often. 

Antonio willingly told me about it when he got home. He started by saying, "something really scary happened at school today." Then he continued to tell me about it and how it was scary because it was not a drill and even he teacher didn't know it was going to happen. I told him I was at school too when it happened and thought it was scary too but knew that he was safe. I asked him if he knew he was safe and he said yes. I asked if his teacher talked about it or told him he was safe and he said no, but he knew his teacher would keep him safe. It means so much to me that he knew from her words and actions throughout the year so far that she would keep him safe. She didn't have to tell him today, he already knew. ❤ 

I don't know details on what the police activity was nor do I need to know. All I care about is that they enforced the lockdown for precautionary reasons because of the activity near the school and they kept my boy safe. I can say that the staff at Antonio's school is amazing and did a fantastic job keeping those kiddos safe. As much as I hope this never happens again other than a drill I do feel better seeing how well they did when it was NOT a drill.

Teachers not only teach our kids but they protect them, even the ones that make everyday a struggle for them. Teachers need more credit, more support, more appreciation and more pay. Where else would the person "in charge" do everything in their power to protect you? In all these school shootings there's always a staff member who either died protecting their students or risked their life to protect students. Teachers are amazing humans! Be sure to thank your child's teacher, I did today. Make sure they know you appreciate them because they do so much for our kids!

Lilly

My last post was somewhat depressing but also very truthful as it was my reality. This will be a much more uplifting post about a family and their new dog! ♥

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As may of you know we rescued a dog right before Christmas from Noah. Albert and Antonio, well more vocally from Antonio, have been begging for a dog for at least a year. I continued to say no to them for two main reasons.

1. I'm not a dog person. Or cat and really any kind pet of person. I don't like pet hair all over my things and me. And I don't want myself or my home to smell like a pet lives here.

2. I would ultimately be the one taking care of the dog since I am home and dogs are a big responsibility. I wasn't ready for that nor was I wanting that.

However, I stalked the Noah website at least once a week if not more at times. We had some specifics we were looking for in a dog though.

•  A small dog.
• A dog that either didn't ever shed or rarely shed.
• One that was not high energy

Those 3 things were important to me, us. When looking for a dog at a shelter it is very hard to be sure that all 3 of those things are met. Most dogs at the shelter don't stay long so they don't get a good sense of what the dogs are like so it's a gamble, another reason I was so hesitant. 

I happened to look at Noah's website one day and saw a super cute terrier mix dog. I told Albert we should go meet him the next day and much to his surprise agreed. Albert and Antonio had tickets to go see the new Star Wars movie that next morning so when they got home we told Antonio we were going to the shelter to look at a dog but there was a good chance we would not leave with a dog. Justin case.

Antonio was very excited! 

I was super nervous and on the way wondered what I had gotten us into. Ha. We got there looked around and didn't see the dog I had seen online but saw Lilly. She was curled up in a ball sleeping. Her paperwork outside her room said she was very shy and timid. She was a small dog and said to be very timid and shy, so 2 of the criteria was met. I thought, perfect... enough! ☺

We asked about the original dog and they said he had been adopted first thing that morning... but that we could meet Lilly, at that time her name was Jessie (like she was meant to be). In her room she was very timid but took to the 3 of us well. We impulsively adopted her and took her home that day! For me it was one of those "what did we just do?!" moments for sure!

We were in no way ready to bring a dog home. We stopped at Petco on the way and I had the same feeling there as I did when I registered at Babies R Us for Antonio; completely overwhelmed! 

• 10 different kinds of beds
• 10 different kinds of food bowls
• More than 10 different kids of dog food (happily Noah gave us a list of brands they fed there)
• 5 or 6 different kinds of harness'
• so many different kinds of treats
• and don't get me started on toys....

And that was to just get necessities. Holy cow! 

I survived Petco and we all survived the first night without any issues! For the first few days she was like a cat. All she did was sleep and barely eat. She was recovering from being spayed the day prior and just trying to get to know her new surroundings. She had been through so much that month. She was brought in to an Los Angeles shelter as a stray the first week of December. She had just had babies and they spayed her there but unfortunately not correctly or she didn't recover well. She was shortly flown to Noah due to lack of space there (most likely due to all the wildfires) and arrived to Noah on the 15th, spayed (again) on the 16th and we met and brought he home on the 17th. Talk about a traumatic month. Poor girl.

Since then she has gotten used to us and our home and her true self has come out. She is so sweet but seems to be very afraid of men, specifically bigger men. She has become a barker... at almost everything and everyone. We clearly need help there. She is very loving and seems to have had some type of training originally as she takes to a crate very well from day one and has the beginning stages of being potty trained. Everyone in awhile she sits when asked as well as coming tom us when called. Monday her and I start basic dog training and I am excited for that. Hopefully she doesn't bark and growl the whole time! Ha! She loves going on walks and loves to run everyone in awhile.

After having Lilly for for a little over 2 weeks I can honestly say I can't imagine my life without her. I am still not a dog person but I am 100% MY dog person! In a weird way I feel like she has completed our little family. Antonio takes such good care of her and loves on her so much! His jobs are to take her out and go potty, take her on walks with us, and feed her. He even knows his job is to pick up the poop and does it without hesitation! I am so impressed with him. 

Albert?! Lilly is obsessed with him. Those two have a bond like no other, it is so sweet. Especially after seeing how she is with men. We've all decided this Christmas break was the best one by far we've had as a family and I think Lilly was a part of that. She knows I love my cuddles with her and lays down next to me every now and then! ♥ I just love her and so much more that I thought I would! Besides a few things we need to work on with her she is perfect for our little family!

It will be another adjustment when Antonio goes back to school tomorrow but it will give Lilly and I a chance to bond and create a routine for the school week. This very much non dog person is absolutely in love with this dog! I hope you all can come over to meet her some time soon, however it will be slowly overtime since she seems to think most people who come over are here to harm her or us.  I saw a window sticker at Petco the other day and so far I feel it applies 100% to us. It said, "my rescue, rescued me". 🎀🐕