Tattoos

So this happened last night and I absolutely love it. 

It is so incredibly meaningful and personal too. 

As most of you know I’ve suffered pretty severely from anxiety and depression. Last summer I hit what I’d like to think was my rock bottom and decided I needed more help than just my therapy sessions. Happily my therapist is not a pill pusher because at first I was 110% against medication. I didn't want to have to depend on it nor did I want to put meds in my body. But in the midst of a very dark couple weeks where I was beginning to loose my will to go on and felt I was completely letting Albert and Antonio down in every possible way I went to my therapy appt and sobbed. 

Hard and uncontrollably.

My therapist and I both agreed I needed more. She recommended me going to a psychiatrist to talk about meds. I did and let me tell you, it has been amazing. I started out taking very small doses and slowing increased it. I almost instantly felt better in everyday life. 

I cared more. 

I began to be more present. 

I hate to be so cliché but it has been life changing. I could not believe how much just a small about helped. I think I've found a good dosage now. I still have anxiety when going anywhere out of Marysville but I'd like to think I'm getting there. 

I never considered suicide but in those dark weeks I was close and that scared me. A lot.

It is really hard to talk about with people who don't understand. Because if you haven't lived with it you don't really understand. I appreciate you trying to understand but you don't unless you live with it. I am lucky enough (unfortunately) to have a couple friends who live with it or have lived with it so they get it. Truly understand it and me. ♡♡

Most of you have probably heard of the semicolon project or what the semi color means in the mental illness community. If not, the best way to explain it is, like an author who uses it instead of ending a sentence when they could, they choose to continue the sentence.  I am the author of my life. When I could have given up, I chose not to. I chose to continue on.

I want to continue and take my life and myself back. I want to be the mom, wife and friend people deserve.  And rediscover who I am and want to be. I want to LIVE. ♡

Originally I was going to do this...

But then my friend Tanya who went with me told me the meaning behind the lotus flower (which she was getting) and I knew I needed that. Happily she was fine with me copying her. Ha. For those of you who don't know the meaning of the lotus. It grows from a root in mud and muddy water to become a beautiful flower. We all have something to rise above from... I am rising from my very muddy recent past to a new beginning. ♡ So it was perfect. 

She also suffers as I do and so she is one of those who truly understands so I couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else. She has been there in ways others couldn't be and I will be forever grateful to her support, understanding and friendship. Mental illness is no joke and needs to less stigmatized and more accepted. Just because we look happy and "together" doesn't mean are not suffering. Most days we are good at hiding it while we are "freaking out" inside. Some days are better than others. I'm hoping my future is filled with better days, thanks to medication. 

The tattoo process has come a long way from my last one 20-ish years ago. I am already planning my next one, or two. I'm ready to go back today! Ha! These are my next ideas... What do you think? And probably sooner than later for at least one fo them. 

This one would probably go on the same arm as my current one. And most likely different font. 

This one would have Antonio's finger print. On my other wrist.

It would be Antonio's name. Again on my other wrist/arm or maybe even same arm but on the side it shows here.

This would have Antonio Thomas. Again on my other wrist.

What do you think? I'm thinking get both the inhale exhale and then one for Antonio. Who wants to go with me when I do?!