I want a "do-over"

Christmas always has such a big build-up. And it's usually a build-up to Christmas morning and within an hour or so you are either on a "christmas high" or left feeling completely let down. I saw a lot of people on Facebook and Twitter complaining about a "Christmas hangover" even though they didn't drink anything.

I felt the same way.

This was the year of duplicate gifts too. I went to 3 separate gatherings and at each one, at least 1 person received a duplicate gift. It was weird (and dissappointing), rarely does that happen.

Antonio asked for two things from Santa; a Buzz Lightyear and a guitar. At the Schneidler get together, his cousin Anna drew his name (all the cousins draw names and exchange gifts) and just happened to have a Buzz Lightyear (and two Jessie's)! So he got that from her and he was happy. In fact Christmas Eve we went over to our neighbors for a bit and he, our neighbor asked Antonio what he wanted; Antonio told him but then said that he already got a Buzz Lightyear but not the guitar and that was ok. Apparently he thought THAT was Christmas. He was so causal about not getting the guitar and so we explained that Santa hadn't even come yet. It was good to know he'd be ok without!

Well Christmas morning came and of course Santa brought his guitar. He exclaimed, "I got everything I wanted!". Then turned around to point at all the other gifts saying, "I didn't even want all the other stuff." Point taken kid; next year we will only get what he asks for. It will surely save us some money! :) So that alone was awesome. Antonio got what he wanted and he was so happy!

However, it went downhill fast from there. We went to my Aunts for the afternoon and dinner only to have to leave before dinner because Antonio got sick. Not just not feeling good, but throwing up. :(  It was awful. We quickly gathered our things and left. We were home by 5, without a Christmas dinner. Poor Antonio looked terrible too. Happily he woke up the next more feeling better! Phew.

Christmas eve we did nothing. Albert and I both ran but that was about it. It was nice but looking back, I wished we had done something Christmasy. A part of me feels robbed out of the Christmas fun. In the sense that Christmas Eve we did nothing then Christmas morning came and went only to be home before 5 with no dinner and then just like that it was over. :/

I want a do over.

I would have us all do something as a family, maybe a new tradition, on Christmas Eve. Christmas day have it not be so rushed (arrived late at my Aunts then left early) and not have Antonio get sick (obviously) so he could have fun with his cousins and then have a big yummy dinner. Sigh. I know we don't always get what we want and things definitely don't always go how we want them to (or expect them to), especially with a kid. But I LOVE Christmas time. We usually keep all our decorations, tree included, up until after New Years but Antonio asked it we could take it all down today and I was strangely ok with it. It was just a weird Christmas this year.

I especially can't wait for next year now; it will bet better.

Only 362 more days until Christmas! :)

Count your blessings

It's 10 days until Christmas.

TEN.

Are you ready?! Happily, I am all done shopping except for 1 gift; a gift card, so it's easy! I am so excited! This is, by far, my favorite time of year. All the excitement, happiness and food, don't forget all the cookies, cakes and now that Albert doesn't eat meat, MEAT!! Really. I look forward to going to peoples house for meals in hopes there will be meat now! Ha!

I have also realized over the past couple weeks how incredibly lucky I am. I have an amazing husband and kid; my little family of three is perfect. We both have a job and a roof over our heads. We also have had no real tragedy happen to us. In the past couple weeks I've had some friends and family share their sad, new realities with me. I feel so badly for these people but because of all the grief I've heard I've also realized how incredibly lucky I am.

My Uncle (my Dad's brother) passed away last week due to a very long struggle with diabetes. A friend of mine has become a single Dad with a young, special needs daughter, whom he shares custody with his ex. Albert's co-workers wife, will be taking their 2.5 year old to spend time with her family out of state (she is a stay-at-home Mom) over Christmas because her Dad is very ill and could pass away any day now. So he,Albert's co-worker, will be alone over the holidays because the wife isn't sure when they will be back. :(  (Luckily his family lives very close)

These situations are just some of the sad realities I've heard about recently. I'd give almost anything to  take away these peoples (including the ones I didn't mention) pain. So count your blessings people. I mean really. You may not get (or receive) that perfect gift this Christmas for (or from) someone or the stress of it all may get you down but at least you have your spouse and/or your family with you. It's the little things we need to remember and appreciate, especially this time of year when the focus is so much on family.

My Dad however, is slowly reuniting with his family he was stripped from so early in life. As I told my cousin, her Dad is now with family he hasn't seen in years. My Grandma passed away when I was very young, then it was my Dad. About 10 years ago my Grandpa passed away, then this Fall my Aunt and now my Uncle. I hardly knew my Uncle, he and his family lived in Montana for as long as I can remember but I still feel his loss. I am incredibly sad for my cousins and Aunt who now have to learn to live without him. Please pray for them, pray for them to get through the holidays with as much happiness and love as possible.

Getting together with family may not be your favorite thing to do; it can be stressful or even miserable for some but they are your family. Remember, someday, they will no longer be here. Hug the ones you love a little tighter this holiday; because you can.

Updates and important info!

Apparently I went on an unplanned blogging hiatus. It has been months since my last post on here or on Antonio's blog (with the exception on last nights post). If you want to hear all about how Antonio's doing head on over to his page. If you don't want to do all that work (really?), just know four is treating us well and he is great and loving school.

The last time I left off I was getting glasses and was going to attempt to go dairy free.

I got my glasses and they do seem to help when reading (magazines or the computer). In fact when I don't use them I get headaches. Antonio says I look like "a person", whatever that means. I guess its better to look like a person than a cow or something else, right? I'll take what I can get for a 4 year old!

My attempt at going dairy free has worked well. I feel good. I miss ice cream, like real ice cream, like nobody's business. And when I make a grilled cheese it take every ounce of will power not to eat a piece of cheese. They (again, who do they think they are?!?) say that after awhile I won't crave it or even want it. Well how long is awhile because I may not actually crave it, but I salivate when making a grilled cheese for Antonio. What is wrong with me?! Anyways, I have managed to survive with out so far. Hooray!

For the two bits of important info:

One. If you missed it on FB last night, my step-brothers non profit is now a charity you can automatically "give" to when you shop on Amazon. For everything you buy, 1% of it goes to his non profit. If you don't know about it, it is the Childrens Law Center of Washington and he does amazing things. Basically, for families who cannot afford the legal fees of adoption he (and his team) provide free or low-cost legal services to them in order for them make their family permeant and legal. It's pretty great. So many kids have permeant homes now because of this and they no longer have to worry about being taken away from what they know and need. All you have to do is link up your amazon account and it automatically donates 1%. It's that easy!! Here is the specifics from his CLCW FB page:

ATTENTION AMAZON SHOPPERS! Did you know 1% of what you spend on Amazon could be donated back to the CLCW at no cost to you? It is true. Thanks to Amazon, now when you shop on amazon using the url: smile.amazon.com, you can select our clinic (search for us using these words: "Childrens Law Center Of Washington Ps") and it will remember your selection. It costs you nothing and now 1% of your shopping can help kids find permanence! Please sign up and spread the word! Remember, it only works if you shop on amazon via the "smile.amazon.com" URL.

So if you plan on shopping, or already shop, on Amazon, link up your account. I did it and it only took maybe 15 seconds. SO EASY! Please go do it before you order another thing. It doesn't cost you anything extra.

Two. Omar got a new job with the Detroit Tigers! If you haven't read about it click here. If I understand this right, he will also be a first base coach. So when the Tigers come to town you'll know where I'll be sitting; and cheering for the coach! :)  As soon as we can buy tickets we will! Already looking forward to it!

Now, if you are still here reading, thanks but now go to Amazon to link up your account so you can donate! I'm done here; so go...NOW!

Things that make you go, Hmmmm.

I've had a few "ah-ha" moments lately.

Or maybe just some "realizations". Whatever you want to actually call them, I've had them.

Over the past month or some I have realized that I have a good kid. Really good kid. He is, after all, just four which makes him just past age three and well you may or may not have heard the term, "threenager" but we had one here.

• You may find your sweet three year old suddenly start acting like a hormonal teenage girl going through puberty
• Expect to see mood swings of hurricane-like proportions
• One minute of polite, sweet behavior using manners and all…and then without moment’s notice whining, whining, and did I mention WHINING?!
• New catch phrases, such as “I don’t want to”, “I don’t like that”, “I don’t ______ [insert word here]” and excessive use of the word “No!”
• Sudden outbursts or tantrums for no explained reason (luckily we are yet to experience this in public!)
• You also may find yourself saying “Because I said so” as an answer to all of their questions and statements

(I also found this definition of a threenager too and had to laugh!)

I try to take it all in stride because he is generally a good kid; I (we) are lucky and I am very thankful  grateful for that. Also, I have realized he will be a fantastic big brother to some lucky little girl some day. We spent about 24hrs with an 8 month last week and he was so good with him. Not only was he good with him but he had fun making him smile and laugh; it was so sweet. I hope so badly now he gets the chance!

Moving on.

A couple other things I have realized is that I need glasses. Well only for reading. No, I still don't read books much but most of my day at work consists of "reading" a computer and well all the reading I do on my phone. That font is small. ;) Anyways, I went and got my eyes checked and sure enough I needed glasses. I can see fine far away it is just up close that gives me trouble. As I type this I am wearing my new glasses. As I told Albert, it looks like the font is bigger but in reality it is just "clearer". Ahhh. My eyes are still trying to adjust to them, the glasses, but I can see (har, har) that this is going to help.

Also, I have concluded I may be somewhat lactose intolerant. After enjoying a latte for the first time in awhile the other morning I felt very bloated and gassy. I was extra aware because I was putting on a swimsuit at Great Wolf Lodge when in reality I was wanting to keep my jammy pants on. I mentioned it to my Mom and friend who were with me and they mentioned lactose intolerance. I got home and looked it up. The symtoms (minus the last two) were exactly mine. All day I thought about it and the more and more I thought about it the more I was pretty sure I was.

So starting today, I am going to try to cut out dairy for awhile to see what happens. I got some So Delicious (non dairy brand) coffee creamer and Albert picked up some So Delicious ice cream. He knows me well, after all, if I am going to do this I can be neglected of the good stuff! :) The ice cream was pretty good too. On my lunch tomorrow I may get a So Delicious yogurt to try. I haven't "been able" to eat yogurt for awhile now because of how it made me feel (bloated and gave me a stomach ache)....hmmmm...light bulb on. :) We'll see....

Here is to hoping age four is good for Antonio, my glasses help at work (and at home) and that I can do this dairy free thing and it helps!

Lucky...or maybe not.

*Some of this post is based purely on memories, not the facts*

I just learned that a dear friend of mine's Mom, is having a biopsy of a very small "spot" that was found on a routine mammogram. This Mom has no history in her family of breast cancer and it was caught early so the odds are very favorable that it is nothing. But please pray anyway.

However, as news like this always does, if got me thinking. As many of you know, I lost my Dad very early in my life to a brain tumor. So I had to deal, as a young chid, with losing my Dad, and if I were completely honest with myself, I don't think I really grieved completely or even mourned correctly.

I remember my Mom sending me to a therapist/counselor who was (as I remember him) a creepy old man. Most likely a middle aged man with a beard and a sweater vest and glasses. Yes, that is how I remember him, it was the 80's after all; oh and he has a quiet toned creepy voice. Anyways, did he (or my Mom for that matter) think I was  really going to talk to him about my Dad dying? I barely understood what had happened myself, how was I to pour my feelings out to him? I am sure he was a pediatric therapist but still. Needless to say, I think I only went to see him once or twice, at least that is how I remember it.

My parents separated when I was young, very young; maybe Kindergarten age. I remember my Mom taking me on the ferry to see him on weekends in Seattle so I wasn't old enough to go alone yet, or maybe she went to make sure he didn't have some crazy woman there with him waiting for me. He then moved to Alaska for a few years, at least I think that was the order it happened. I never saw him then. He would send me audio tapes that after he died I remember playing frequently until the cassette player ate my last one. I remember that day vividly, it was while I was living in Oregon. I sobbed. It was the last time I heard his voice. :(  I remember he came back to Seattle when he found out he had the tumor. He stayed there until he died. Sadly, in my 10 or so years he was alive I hardly saw him let alone got to know him. I know while I has a baby he was there and most likely was a great Dad, but I have no memories of that. At all.

Does this make me lucky? In the sense that I did have a parent die but I was so young and barely had much of a relationship with him to really know what losing a parent is like.  I hear about people losing a parent from cancer or by a tragic accident and assume I can empathize, but can I? Most of them knew that parent. Had a relationship with them. My Dad, moved to Seattle then Alaska. Sure I saw him and spent time with him, heck, he took me to Disneyland, twice (I think) in those short years. But I barely remember him.

Maybe it makes me unlucky because I lost him so soon and did not get to have a relationship with him while all these other people did. I know that it makes me angry when I hear about it. How their parent died and how sad it is. A part of me wants to angrily say, "But at least you knew them and grew up with them. You're lucky enough to not know what its like to not have one.  You were/are lucky enough to have many memories with them..." But I don't, because that is so incredibly insensitive and just not right.

I wonder just how much could I possibly understand what they were/are going through. Was I lucky to have lost my Dad so young so maybe, just maybe, my pain of losing him isn't or wasn't so intense?  Because of losing so early on, my whole like I have feared losing my Mom. It is and has been my biggest fear. Sure I have my Step-Dad but if you know me, really know me, it just isn't the same.

What I do know is that there is no luck in losing a parent; none what so ever. Losing a parent is losing a parent, no matter how or when.

Friendships

They say that the friends you meet in college stay with you for life. I suppose that is true but I can hardly say I keep in touch with those friends. Granted that makes me very sad because those girls (& guys) were/are some of the best kind of people I know.

With that said, it is my high school friends that seem to be the ones that have stayed for life. Jessica, Rita, Christina, Myriah and Toni; those girls I have the most memories with and whom I look back as my best friends from high school. From New Kids, to sleepovers, to shopping, to boys, to Omar and the Mariners. Those are the girls I did all those things with; those are the girls that I laughed with, cried with and spent most of my time with. A couple of them I have yet to loose touch with over the years, one of them I did loose touch with for a couple years but found again. While the two others I have happily reconnected with via Facebook; one of which just recently. Some laugh at the whole FB thing but I have found it is much more that just a social website. I have reconnected with old friends whom I have so many memories with. Funny thing is, not only do we ask how each other have been but also ask about Moms. Not only was I incredibly close to these girls but their Mom's too. Their Mom's were in some respect, like a second Mom to me growing up. Who knows how close we will really be again, if close at all, but just to reconnect is great.

I can't even tell you exactly what made us loose touch but we did. It just feels so good to connect back. Real friendships are hard to find. I have found that to be so true at this point in my life. These girls gave me real friendships back then and even though I rarely, if ever, see them now I'm pretty confident that if I  really needed them they would be there. I have made a few real friendships since high school but they have been far and few between...

This tended to ramble a bit, sorry...

PRIDE

So tomorrow is my last PRIDE (Parents Resources for Information Development Education) class. As I was warned, a coffee was needed for each class and I can see how this training could indeed "weed" out the people who weren't really serious about this. There were some videos, in-depth talk and personal stories about topics that made me not only run home and put Antonio into a bubble for the rest of his life but wonder what I am getting us, all of us, into. However, at the same time, I just wanted to gather up a kid(s) already, maybe a whole team of them. These poor kids in foster care. They have not only seen and heard horrific things but have had horrific things happen to them. The abuse, physical and emotional, my gosh, I cannot even begin to imagine. Ugh...

But with love, support and the right amount (and certain kind) of help, could grow up and lead somewhat normal lives. I think it gets me to the core so much because I have Antonio. I could not, nor do I want to, begin to imagine Antonio having to live through/with some of these things. Breaks my heart so much.

Like I said, there were a few times when I wondered if I really wanted us to go forward with fostering. The baggage these kids could/will come with and the immense struggle/pain they will have regardless of how great we are pulls on me.

There have been some "hmm, wow" moments too. What is the ONE thing you could not live with out between: your values, places that make you happy, people that make you happy, groups your involved in, laws and how you support your family? When it comes down to it most of you would say your values or the people that make you happy. The first thing kids loose when put into foster care is those people that make them happy...  :(  Even though those people tend to be the ones that are "hurting" them they still love them and want to be with them. Its just so sad...

So next up is finding a time where we can attend a first aid class and filling out all of the paperwork. In my opinion, the sooner the better for many reasons! So in the meantime keep us in your thoughts and prayers. It seems we are almost to the way at the halfway point in the process. Maybe a part of me wishes we had gone through an agency; we would have had someone there to hold our hand through all this and to maybe give us a "push" every now and then. :) Oh well.

Compression socks

I am in love.

Ok, maybe that's a little strong but I love my new socks, compression socks that is!

I caved and asked Albert pick me up a pair at the Expo when he picked up his race bib (he ran in the Seattle Rock n Roll yesterday). Maybe it's coincidence but the past two runs I have done my legs, well, calf's, have felt great; like before! Hooray! I have worn my socks both times and now don't want to run with out them! It could be completely mental, who knows, but I am sold on them. They are crazy expensive so I may only have one pair for awhile but so far I swear by them. It's almost like I've been cured!

Ok, again, maybe a little extreme but it's great.

Sure my calf's ache a little still but I don't feel like giving up a mile or so in like I was. I feel good during and after my runs again and believe it or not I want to go run. Yes, my allergies are still driving me mad so thats still a bit rough but my legs are much, much, better.

These socks are by no means, the most stylish things I've worn. Knee high socks, that are bright pink (see picture below) and apparently glow in the dark but I love them! Yes, I know you are jealous, especially with the glow in the dark part and no I have not verified they actually do but the packaging claims they do. I would much rather be "laughed" at for a brief moment by passerby's than get laughed at (or negatively talked about) a lot for not wearing them, not running and getting "fat".

Yes, most people do, at some point, talk negatively about "fat" people; its just a sad reality in our society.

That, for me, is what I have found it comes down to. If I don't run, I gain weight. Period. In my 30-something years of living, I have yet to be able to get the whole eating well thing down. I can do it for a week, or if I am lucky, a few weeks but then it's right back to not so eating well. :/  Scientifically, there may not be any proof or anything else showing that the compression socks help someone run better, or longer but they have helped me run better so I will continue to wear them.

**Summary of what compression socks supposedly do, from running.competitor.com (http://running.competitor.com/2012/12/shoes-and-gear/do-compression-socks-really-work_62611):

With manufacturers claiming compression socks and tights increase oxygen delivery, decrease lactic acid, prevent cramps, and minimize muscle fatigue, the wonder garments have been the hottest new item in athletic circles. But, whether or not the socks and tights deliver as promised has been an open question – one even researchers don’t have a clear answer for.


Here's to a lot my running that isn't so hard in my future! :)

Running

Running has been so hard for me lately and I'm not sure why. Its frustrating. At first I thought it was because I had gotten so out of routine and my body wasn't used to it but I've been back at it for a couple weeks now and it has not gotten any easier. I used to be able to run 3 miles without out much trouble. Now, most of the time 3 miles is rough. My legs just get so tired that I am pushing myself to finish without walking all the way home. I am hoping part of it is due to allergies and that once the "season" is past I will be good again. But then I realize there is a good chance my allergies have nothing to do with my legs getting so tired. :/  If it continues to be this hard I wonder just how long I will keep convincing myself to run.

Every once in while I try to remember how I got through allergy season last year but then remember I had started running after Antonio's birthday; so it hasn't even been a year yet. I am trying to stick with it, at least through the allergies to see. I've thought about compression socks but I am not sure that they will help. I've heard they help with "tired" legs but I am guessing that is for running long distances and well I am not sure I want to spend the money for them not to work. So we will see. Fingers crossed something works because the running has helped me lose weight and somewhat keep it off! That is what has kept me running even though its been super rough!

Fingers crossed it gets easier!

Orientation

Even after the Foster care orientation and the depressing video narrated by Morgan Freeman, I still want to do this. :). In fact I'm a little more anxious! I went alone to the orientation since Albert had to be home with Antonio which was kind of a bummer but it's ok. I do my PRIDE training, which is 27hrs of training over 5 days, in July then all we have to do is the first aide/blood borne pathogens course and we'll be done...for now. Oh and the 100 pages (ok maybe only 20, see the stack in the picture below!) of application/background check and personal information. If I "pass" this then I must be ok! Ha!

Happily all we have to get is a fire extinguisher, fire escape ladder for upstairs and a twin bed for the bedroom; all we need/should get just to have anyways! This prepping will make us and our home much better and safer in the long run! Thanks in advance for all your praying and support! 

You're not my REAL Mom

That is one of my biggest fears, one of many at least, about adopting.

I have many worries/fears, selfish ones for the most part. What if they (they kid) doesn't like me or better yet doesn't want to live here. Maybe they have lived in other homes that were "better"? What if they just want their biological Mom; after all, I am not their REAL Mom which leads me to what if they throw at me the whole, "You're not my real Mom" argument? Another reason why I am hoping for a younger child with minimal other homes they had been in. I did find this blog post that someone I follow on Twitter linked and am glad I did. It is also a good post for Mother's Day weekend! You don't have to be a biological Mom to be a real Mom!

Foster to Adopt

For those of you who actually read this, this is not public knowledge...yet. Granted here it is on the big ol' internet but who really reads this anyways? Not many without a FB link; so I am not worried. :)

However, it is no secret we just haven't made it public knowledge yet since we are just starting.

Starting what you ask? 

Albert and I have officially decided to get our foster license so we can become foster parents with the goal of fostering to adopt a little girl. We recently met with my step-brother Andrew, who is the founder of and attorney at The Children's Law Center of Washington and his wife, my sister-in-law, Michele who is the Director of Local Orphan Care at their church to learn about our options. As you can see they know a bit about adoption and foster care! :) We are pretty lucky to have them in our corner for support and to give us answers to any and all questions we have!

We have decided to do foster care instead of straight out adoption, for a few reasons but one because of money. It can be very expensive to adopt, very. So we will hopefully adopt through foster care. Though adopting through foster care can be very emotionally "expensive". The state does everything it can to reunite kids with their birth parents and/or relatives, for good reason. So there is a good chance we may have more than one child in our home, living with us, then being reunited with their family. We are hoping to be lucky enough to be able to adopt the first one! We also know this could be potentially hard on Antonio having a kid(s) come and go but we are hoping it won't be more than one. 

We have decided to go through the state versus an agency. There are a couple agencies in our area but from what Andrew and Michele told us, both are having their own "troubles" right now. A lot of turnover of employee's, understaffing/overworked etc and may not be any more help than the state would be. So instead of paying an agency and not getting any more help than from the state, we will go through the state. We are planning on/hoping to accept a little girl, maybe 6 months to 4 years old, younger than Antonio and preferably young enough to not have been in other homes. Fingers crossed. Antonio has been wanting a little sister for awhile now so I am sure he will be thrilled. Well, maybe only until he realizes he will have to share everything including us and our attention! :)

We have quite a bit of training to do before we can even submit our application for our license so it won't happen real fast. Unfortunately the training classes aren't held very frequently and not always at times we can attend. I am hoping we can have our license by the end of the year but we'll see, we are after all, going through the state. 

I am thinking about creating a "group" on FB and include family and a few friends who I think will want to know/care that we are doing this and post links to this blog when there are updates/news regarding it. You'll know soon enough if I do! :) In the meantime please pray that we are able to complete the appropriate training quickly so we can move forward on the process! Albert and I are both excited to do this! 

Part time

So far SOOOOOOO good!

Last week was my first week of being part time and it was so good, besides the fact Antonio came down with croup Friday night and we were plagued with it the rest of the weekend. :(  Poor guy, he is still struggling with it. Thursday we hung out at home, cleaned and did laundry which felt great because  I then had 3 more days home with him. Friday morning we went to the Children's Museum, which is probably where he got croup, and had a blast... and we still had two more days! :)  On the flip side of Antonio getting croup it didn't feel like the whole weekend was shot, we had already had two days of fun together!

This week was nice too.

Granted, he is still fighting the nastiness, we had a family day Thursday at the Zoo and it was beautiful! Albert now works Friday-Tuesday so Thursday is family day! The worst thing about this week is that I have to work tomorrow, Saturday. Boo! Unfortunately, through the Summer I will be working one Saturday each month in our Bellevue location. Double boo! Oh well!

I look forward to more short weeks and long weekends with Antonio this Summer! Spending time in the sun and going on adventures together, almost sounds to good to be true! :)

Boston

Wow. Just, wow.

How does that happen? In the sense of, why? Of course at this point there are, and maybe there never will be, no answers to that question. But hearing about the explosions/bombings hits so close to home; I mean that could have been us. In the sense that so many times have Antonio and I stood at that finish line, with hundreds of others, cheering on strangers while watching for Albert to come in to view. So many people cheer the runners on. It is part of the fun of going, seeing other people conquer such a big feat. For some, it is practically old habit, for some though, it is their first race and they are so exhausted yet so proud. The energy at the finish line is so contagiously euphoric and emotional. It really is.

Last November, Albert ran his first full marathon. Antonio and I got there way to early. We got to see the half marathons finish and the start of the full runners cross. We were not the only ones that were there early; there were plenty of people that were there as long as we were. Like a few reports I have read said, around the 4-4.5 hour mark is when the majority of the full runners start to cross and when the spectator volume starts to increase. Its generally when the not-so-serious runners cross. The ones that have more family and friends there to cheer them on. It becomes a fun and happy family event.

That is when this "bomber" set of these explosions. They knew that was when the bigger crowds, runners and spectators, would be there; they knew. That is what is so scary. It wasn't some freak "bomber" that randomly set them off; this person(s) knew the best time. Spectators are so focused on the runners and finding "their" person before they cross that they are almost unaware of all the people around them. You are most certainly not expecting a bomb to go off.

They say the running community is a tight knit community and I believe it. I am not a marathon runner but I run. I know how hard it can be to keep running even when you want to stop yet you keep going. However, I can't begin to know how hard running a half, let alone full marathon is.  In case you aren't familiar with the Boston Marathon, you have to run a certain amount of "qualifying" races in good times order to run the Boston. Just anyone can't just sign up for it. These runners have worked/trained so hard for so long to be able to run it. I see how hard Albert trains for his half's and full's and I know it is even harder to qualify for the Boston race. So these people are good runners. To run 26 miles only to have a bomb go off right at the finish, to be re-routed away from the finish line or worse, lose a limb after all that work would be so incredibly devastating. Forget the fact a bomb(s) really did go off just those other reasons alone; I can't even imagine. It just yanked at my heart strings similar to Sandy Hook yet in such a different way.

Then there are the spectators, family members and friends, even complete strangers that show up just to cheer on and support the runners that have also been seriously hurt. The 8 year old who died. Man; it is all to much to fathom. Again, that could have been us. That could happen at any race. I can't even; I don't even want to wrap my head around that. Albert and I are both a bit traumatized by this tragedy for the same and yet different reasons.  Albert already mentioned he's not sure he wants Antonio and I to be a the finish line of his next race where I am not sure I even want him running another race. However, we can not live in fear because yes, it could happen to us. But we could also be killed in a car collision but we still drive.

A side note: For some reason I am bothered by all the "Pray for Boston" stuff. Yes, pray for Boston as a city and for all the people that live there but a lot of the people there are not from Boston, let alone the US. Pray for Boston and everyone involved. Pray for all the children that were there to merely cheer on their Mom or Dad and know have witnessed a horrific event. All that blood, screaming, loud noises and God forbid, random limbs. That would haunt me for awhile imagine an innocent kid. I am so thankful again, that Antonio is to young to have to talk to him about this. If he knew or comprehended any of this, he would be so scared to have Albert run a race.

It still shakes me a bit though and I am sure it will be very much on my mind at Albert's next race. I will maybe be a bit more aware of my surroundings than normal and hold Antonio a bit closer at the finish line but we will be there. I still wouldn't miss it. On my next run (hopefully tomorrow), I will run with all those runners and spectators (hurt physically and/or emotionally) heavily on my mind and be extremely grateful that I have both my feet and legs to be able to run on.

So pray for Boston and everyone involved.

Anniversary weekend

March 27th 2004 I got married.

That was 9 years ago and trust me, there were a few times I thought for sure we wouldn't make it nine years let alone another day. But sure enough we fought for "us" and luckily we won! :) We are going on our tenth year and I would like to say we are better than we have even been!

About a month or two ago Albert asked if we had plans for our anniversary and of course at that point we didn't. So he asked if he could plan it and I anxiously agreed. He asked my parents if Antonio could stay the night with them and of course they agreed. So Albert planned an overnight in Seattle for he and I so we could "just spend time with each other" as he put it.

It was so good; one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. We stayed downtown on the waterfront, about a block or two down from Pike Place. It was perfect. We walked all around downtown and even did a bit of shopping. It was so nice to do things at our speed, on our terms. It felt so good to "reconnect" and spend solid quality time together; we needed it. We missed Antonio so much but we knew he was having a good time with my parents (and he was). It reminded me of how very happy and thankful I am that I married him. I am so blessed to have both of them in my life.

Life is good....for now. Ha.

Part time girl in a full time job

Starting April 1st I will be officially part time at work! But only by chance. 

This better NOT be a April Fools day joke.

As of April 1st the Burlington branch is closing and both employees that work at that location are losing their jobs...or maybe not. That's where I jump in. As you know I have been looking for a part time job that will give us enough income to be stable yet also allow me to stay home more with Antonio. As soon as I heard the news about the branch closing the wheels started turning. 

"I could work PT and the other guy, Manny, could work the other half of the day"

The more I got excited about the thought of it the more reality set in. Why would Manny agree to that? He is just about at retirement age and could just ride out unemployment and within a year retire. That would consist of him driving an hour (probably closer to 2) each way to work just for part time hours. Heck, I doubt I would even consider that. Does he like his job that much? But I had to try.

I casually messaged him to tell him I was sorry about the branch closing and asked him if he would just retire. He said he still really wanted to work. I asked him, "badly enough to drive to Mukilteo for work?" And to my surprise he said, "possibly." That was all the bait I needed to attempt to put my plan in action. We chatted a few more min about a possible plan that would keep his job and I could only work part time. I emailed our boss with our thoughts and he proposed it to upper management. To our surprise they agreed to it with only a few "issues". One being health insurance. They would not pay for both of but of course, that was ok because I get benefits through Albert's work. Phew. Also, we wouldn't get as much vacation time next year. Ok, fine. And sick pay would change, somewhat significantly but with working less hours that would be ok to. And no more shared work benefits through the state...boo but I figured that.

So Manny created a job share type schedule where I will work Monday/Tuesday and half day Wednesday and he will work the other half of Wednesday and then Thursday/Fridays! Then in September we will switch our work days so I can take Antonio to preschool! So he and I will fulfill a full time position as two part timers. And who know with that branch closing we may be busier this Summer and need a little extra help so that would come in handy!

I am beyond excited about this. :) Funny thing is, so is Manny. He claims that I am his hero and that i am saving his job when in reality he is helping me! Its a win-win! Lets just hope this all works out as we hope it will and that we stay busy enough through next Winter that we can make it work then as well. Next Christmas could be rough! Money will be a bit tighter, especially at first until we get used to it but in my opinion, so worth it. 

Now all my "idea's" I've been wanting to try/do with Antonio and all the little DIY stuff around the house may actually happen! I am also thrilled Antonio will get to go to preschool in the Fall. I am so excited for him! Now if we could find a way so Antonio didn't have to attend daycare as well we would be coming out on top! I know, one thing at a time. If that is meant to be I have to believe it will happen; after all this did! Keep praying (or sending good vibes, your choice) that it will all work out!

Stuck in a rut

Running has been hard for me lately. Hard like it takes major mental convincing to get dressed to go run. And maybe a little bit a fear of not running and its side effects. When I do convince myself to run its a hard run. I get tired quickly, my breathing is much quicker and I just want to be done; like how I felt when I first started to run. I'm not sure why this is but it's frustrating. And that "runners high" that you get when your done...not so high lately. :/  What's even more strange is that I have been incorporating more veggies into my diet. Red pepper, carrots and cucumber to be exact. Almost everyday with lunch. So I am eating better yet feeling worse and more blah. Before you start to wonder, Mom, no I am not pregnant. I just get done with my period last week so in fact I should be feeling better.

Ever since we got back from California I have felt out of sorts. Tired, frustrated, emotional, mopey and just really not caring. :/ I chalked it up to PMS for the first week or so but that has come and gone and I'm still not feeling better. Then I started wondering if this SAD, Seasonal Affect Disorder, was a real thing (I know it's real but I'm pretty sure I've never "had" it). I mean I went from sunny and warm California to dark, dreary rainy days. Usually us PNWers are eased into the gloom and doom of Fall and Winter. But I went from low 70's and sun to low to mid 40's and clouds/rain. I don't know but maybe I got a little slice of SAD.

Or maybe it was the passing of my Aunt, that by the way I never did go see (major regret once again. one excuses after another.)? Then missing her funeral because I was in California. Maybe missing out on all of that bothered me more than I realize. As terrible as this sounds, it would have been an "easy" way to see a lot of that side of my family that I haven't seen in years, for most the number is double digit. :(

Or maybe this whole Preschool thing is weighing on me more that I realize? All Antonio talks about is going to a new preschool and I can't give that to him.

Or maybe it's the fact I still haven't found a part time job that meets my needs (they are pretty specific I will admitt) so I can stay home with Antonio...and take him to Preschool? I don't know.

Side note:
And by the way, for all those people that don't have jobs and say there aren't any.....I call BULL S%*T.  There are so many entry level jobs out there. I get call backs on ones that can only offer me minimum wage that I turn down because I need more than that. This whole, there are no jobs thing is ridiculous. If you are out of a job and have no income put aside your pride and get a job. Geez.

Ok, moving on....

Or maybe it is all of that combined (minus the "there are no jobs" rant.)? But it sucks. I've lost my "desire to run" feeling and I need it back because I've never been good at sticking with something I really don't like doing.  C'mon Spring and sunnier days. No matter if that is part of cause of this or not it wouldn't hurt!

You know your a runner when...

You know your a runner when you notice the days are getting longer (hence it stays lighter longer). I'm not excited because it means Summer is coming, but that is means I will soon be able to come home an run...outside!! I so prefer to run outside rather than a treadmill. So when driving home from swimming tonight around 6, I noticed it was light enough to be able to possibily finishing a run, outside. I became excited, very excited. Maybe in a couple weeks I'll be running outside, at home, after work again. I cannot wait!

I've never been good with death.

It's true.

But then again who is?

You'd think I'd have it down with losing my Dad, and both sets of Grandparents. But you see I'm not. In fact if you tell me you are terminally ill or are dying I will stay far away. In fact I most likely will subconsciously find reason not to see you. So don't take it personally. ;)

When my Dad was dying I remember refusing to go in his room to see him. I remember refusing to go in and just crying outside his room. Apparently it took a McDonalds bribe to get me to go in, and even then I wasn't very willing.  He and I sat together and enjoyed his favorite, french fries dipped in a chocolate milkshake. Mmm mmm, so good; don't knock it until you try it! It was the last time I ever saw him, in fact I was told he passed away shortly after that. I guess he needed that and so did I. I just didn't know it then. Granted I was like, 11, but still, he was my Dad and he was dying. The least I could have done was spend time with him. I completely and wholeheartedly regret that.

Then my Grandpa died a few years ago. We knew it was coming yet there was always a reason I couldn't go see him. Next my Grandma passed away right after Antonio was born. Again, we knew it was going to happen. In fact, for a good week before she passed I was "meaning" to go see her but never made time. Again, full of regret. :(  I always seem to distant myself from death, even just the near possibility of death. I guess if I don't see the person "dying" then it isn't happening and wont happen. They just "go away"for a long time. :/

My Aunt Barbara, who is my Dad's sister, has been in the hospital the past couple weeks due to an infection that is on her mitral valve in her heart. She had an infection that was wrapped around her spinal cord but they did surgery to remove that. They can't remove the one on her valve because she hasn't been strong enough. She has in turn, had couple strokes because of it, in fact it looks like another one just this week. The most recent update from my cousin Sheri, is that the infection has spread throughout her body and brain. Her body is trying to "fix itself" and her kidneys are starting to shut down.  She has a DNR (do not resuscitate) on her medical records if it comes to it.  The doctors put her on a morphine drip to keep her comfortable, by her choice. Apparently she understands what is going on and "is tried of fighting. She is ready."

This makes me so sad. I haven't seen my aunt since my baby shower and before that? I have no idea. But for some reason I feel the need to go see her. Weird I know, considering it doesn't sound good for her. But she's my Aunt and I should. Also, maybe because she is my Dad's sister and it would be some sort of connection to him. I have no idea. (Ever since Antonio was born I have craved information, stories anything more about my Dad.) She's been so out of it and sleeping so much having visitors hasn't really been a good idea. There is a good chance she wouldn't even know who I was, but I still feel compelled to see her, even if only for 5 min.

I'm not sure how I feel/think about what happens after we die but if there is a party afterwards I'm pretty sure she will see my Dad. Its that connection to him that is maybe why I feel the need to see her.  So she can tell him that I love him and miss him terribly; every single day. And that I am ok. That actually sounds like a pretty selfish reason to want to see her....

Please pray my Aunt fights this, gets out of the hospital and continues to live for many years. Also, pray for my cousin Sheri who has been there for her, my Aunt, and kept us so well updated. This has to be so hard on her as well.

Proud

I had a proud of me moment.

I had a dr. appointment last week, just a general physical. The nurse took all my stats and all were good. Yay. Then the doctor came in and after the "pleasantries" (hi, how are you, how are you doing etc) she said, " Do you exercise?" and I thought, of geez, yeah, I know I need to do more, blah, blah, blah. It is what I always get told, always. And yes, I know it's their job to gently, some more gently than others,  remind us all to exercise. But it gets old and I have always heard about how I should.

However, this time it was good.

I responded, "Yes, I try to.  I try to run at least a couple miles a couple times a week." She then, by my surprise, said, "I can tell. You have lost 11lbs since last time you were here." I was last there October 2011 (I was a bit overdue for my appointment). Sure enough, the few times I had been in and weighed in between showed my progress as well. And since September 25th, 2012 ( I had started really running that August) I have lost 7lbs! I was pretty proud of myself. I guess she was asking to make sure I wasn't on crack or something. Granted if I were I would have lost a lot more. Ha! So instead of telling me to exercise more she said, "Keep it up." :) Then since she couldn't lecture me on exercising she told me I should make sure I am eating healthy diet. If its not one thing its another!

But still.

I was feeling pretty good about that. It helped kick start my desire to keep running. I want to keep losing or at least maintain what I have already done! For me, continuously losing for a year is impressive! I gotta lace up those running shoes and Go!  :)

Caution..potentially to much information...

You were warned. :)

As you know I, we, were sick for about a week so there was no running for about a week and a half. Before that was the holidays and all  the food that goes along with that. I was feeling pretty crappy. I had gone on a good run right after the new year and thought I had started the new year off on a good foot; then we got sick. I wasn't going to let that get in my way; I couldn't.

I went on a couple short runs. I felt so out of breath and shape even though they were my regular route and shorter. That got me discouraged, very discouraged and unmotivated. I went to the gym for a run (on the treadmill) and it pretty much kicked my butt. I forgot how hard it was. And my pants were fitting a little more snug than normal which made me feel even worse. The little bit of running I was doing didn't seem to be helping anything. Then, because I am an emotional eater, I found myself wanting (and eating) sweets; a lot of them. It didn't help that we celebrated 3 birthdays in less than two weeks which meant a lot of cake and well you can't turn down birthday cake; that's just rude. ;)  Well, I can't at least. That just fueled my cravings. :/

I started to feel fat.

I tried drinking more water than my normal amounts and that seemed to only make me feel bloated. Which did not help. My pants were officially feeling to snug and I had no interest in eating "healthier" food. Double/triple/quadruple whammy!

Then I started my period. AHA! As Oprah says, it was my "Aha" moment! :)  That is what all "this" is about. It makes perfect sense now! Mind you, this never crossed my mind because that would make me  a little over a week early. I am a pretty regular girl so this didn't seem like a possibility. And, I had none of my normal crankiness/emotional crap that always goes a long with it.

Now that I know I haven't gained a bunch of weight like I thought (and even though the scale didn't say I had). I suddenly felt better. I went to the gym yesterday and had a good run (it was still hard but I felt good instead of dead and fat afterwards) and didn't crave/want to sit and eat crap! It was nice. Even my pants fit differently! Yay! Big sigh of relief. My life-long roller coaster ride of losing, then gaining, then losing then gaining again wasn't continuing. At least not yet.

Its bizarre that when I was feeling fat, I had no motivation to go run, let alone eat better. But now that I know what caused me to feel that way I do want to run and eat better. Humph. Such a mental game with me. You'd think after all the running I've done I would want to go run to get that motivation and "feeling good" back even more but nope. Not at all.

And that, that scared me.

If I slip up and gain weight and let it even begin to spiral out of control, I could be doomed. The scale never showed that I had actually gained any weight, maybe a pound but that is it. Yet I was still convinced that I had; it (the scale) must be wrong. I mean my pants were so snug. :/

I have found (awhile back) a couple quotes I liked that I need to print out and keep visible so I can remind myself that I can't so I won't derail.

And

And

The last one is my favorite I think, because it is SO true. Even on days I only run a short amount, it is better that not! Running has been so good for me. It's helped me loose, during the holidays maintain, my weight. And it feels so good to breath in all the clean (except when a truck or old car passes you with stinky exhaust, I hate that!) fresh air and just clear my mind.

Now, if this rain will just let up so I can go run!

Get moving.

We are big Biggest Loser fans. We've watched every episode since Sami, er, I mean Alison Sweeney became the host, so for awhile. They're mantra for this season seems to be "Get Moving" and they "Challenge America" to also get moving.

So as you know I have been fighting the crud that's apparently been running ramped everywhere. Antonio is pretty much done with it and I seem to be on the tail end of it; thankfully! I have watched Albert leave to go on runs in the BEAUTIFUL weather that we have been having and I have had major runners envy. This morning I woke and felt pretty good; tired but good. So we watched the game (I blame Antonio for the outcome because from the beginning he said he wanted the "red guys" to win, even after explaining to him the Seahawks were in white. :/), had lunch then Albert insisted I go out for a jog. I was hesitant because I wanted to go "good run" but he reminded me that even if I go just for a mile or two at least I went. And even if I walked most of the way, it was better to get out, breathe in the fresh air and  move  than not going at all.

He had a point.

So, I changed, put on my new running shoes and walked out the front door. Man it was cold but the fresh air felt amazing. I walked out to the main road and decided I would jog, a slow  and easy jog to see how it felt. It felt great! As I picked up a little in pace I was breathing deeper and it felt even better to have the cool fresh air filing my lungs. (This is one of my favorite parts of running outside and one of the main reasons I run.)

Ahhh...I felt amazing. I jogged, quickly, for about a mile and the "crud" feeling came back. My legs started feeling tired, as if I had run 4 miles already and I knew I needed to slow my pace down and so I did. But that mile of jogging felt awesome. :)

I ended up running, well jogging, for about a mile and walking for about a mile. Instead of feeling discouraged I decided to be happy that I got out and "moved".  Any calories burned are just that, calories burned!  From my chest up I feel great but my legs are tired and kindly reminding me that I am still not 100% and to not get to carried away!

So, I challenge YOU to just "get moving". Doesn't matter if you run, bike, yoga or walk; just get moving! Take your husband, boyfriend, kid(s), dog or just yourself on a walk; long or short, it doesn't matter. :)

This will be my one, and most likely only, post to get you, encourage you, to get moving or do anything for that matter. I promise.  I will, however, leave you with a link to a blog post that I find pretty inspirational and "moving" (haha...get it? moving, emotionally moving..ok sorry.).

http://flintland.blogspot.com/2012/05/hey-fat-girl.html

Cough, cough, ugh...cough.

Welcome to my world where the Kleenex, Boogie Wipes and germs are a flyin'!

Antonio has been hacking, and I mean hacking for a little over a week now. His poor little body must hurt so badly because watching and hearing the way he coughs I can tell it is from deep down. :(  He has, however, become proficient at covering his mouth when he does!

There, is my one and only silver lining.

I, however, also caught a version, more mature, adultish (is that even a "mature" word?) version of what he has. You know, the sore throat, body aches, exhausted, now coughing and congested, version. Its fun guys. C'mon, join my pity party! The only drink, however, being served is a double packet emergen-c mixed with Sprite (which could be on the rocks if requested)! ;)

So home it is for us until at least Wednesday, when if we aren't better by then have been told to go back to the doctor. We will be better, we have to be. I did hear/see that there is a chance of lowland snow right over the Marysville area, if that convergence zone sets up like they claim it may.

So I say: LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!!!

In the meantime, we need to get better for our sakes and Albert's. I know he hates us being sick as much, if not more, than us. So send those healthy vibes our way so if it does actually snow we can go play in it! :)

Resolutions

I don't like to make resolutions because chances are I make some that realistically won't be kept. You know, the good intention ones. To me, a resolution is usually something(s) that you want to stop, start or give up and its usually something you haven't been able to do in the past. So I like to make goals instead. In my mind a goal is more attainable than a resolution. So, no, I did not make any resolutions but I did think of a couple goals to try to reach/maintain.

1. Continue running.

As most of you know I have been running for "fun". I use the term "fun" loosely. I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I lose, then gain, lose then gain etc, etc. My goal this year is to either lose more weight or at least maintain where I am at and in turn I need to continue to run. I am not wanting to run a marathon or even a half for that matter but to just run as often as my daily life allows me to. 2-3 times a week, hopefully more.

2. Eating healthier.

This is more of a forced goal because Albert really wants to eat better and I want to help him. He wants to minimize carb intake and meat and well, I like a good steak and I love my carbs. So I am attempting to find something in the middle (for me) and we both want to add more veggies to our meals. So if anyone knows any good recipes that follow those lines I would LOVE them.

3. Spend more quality family time together.

We spend a lot of time together but it isn't always quality. In a sense we just sit at home. I want to get out more and explore. Find more "free" things to do as a family. Maybe hike some easy trails with Antonio, spend more time Seattle etc.

There are my goals I have set for myself. I am confident I can achieve these in some respect. So none of this, "I am going to lose "x" amount of weight" or "I am going to stop drinking coffee" (nobody wants me to do that. ;) ) or anything extreme like that. Just some simple goals. Hopefully you have not set any "resolutions" to high only get get discouraged!

Here's to 2013 (2013?! how did that happen so fast?), hope its a good one!

Hello! *waves hand frantically*

While the Doodlebug sleeps.

This blog will be about me, my hobbies (or lack there of), my family, life as a Mom and anything else I feel the desire to want to type out for whoever will read it. So welcome to my thoughts,  joys, and possibly even sorrows, or as you may call it: my ramblings. :)

You may wonder what the name is all about. As some of you may know I lovingly call Antonio "Doodlebug". I am sure when he is 16 he will love it, who am I kidding?  He will probably be rolling his eyes telling me to be quiet at more like 10.  ;)  Regardless he answers to it now and knows that it is one of his names. In fact, he may even tell you his name is Pumpkin Doodlebug!  Admit it, we've all had those names our parents, most likely our Mom, called us when were younger. If you're "lucky" like me, your Mom still does. (Don't worry Mom, I don't mind. : /)

Anyways, I digress. Since I mainly only blog while he, the Doodlebug, sleeps I figured it was rather appropriate. Don't you think? If not, sorry, that is as creative as I get. I hope you find my posts, comical, inspiring (most likely not inspiring), entertaining and maybe, just maybe, insightful! Some posts may be long and drawn out where some may be very brief and to the point. Regardless, this is about me, so if you only want to read about Antonio, continue following antonio-thomas.blogspot.com, otherwise stick around for the fun. (This will include Antonio too but won't be limited to him.) Thanks for stopping by and hope you'll check in every once in awhile.