I've never been good with death.

It's true.

But then again who is?

You'd think I'd have it down with losing my Dad, and both sets of Grandparents. But you see I'm not. In fact if you tell me you are terminally ill or are dying I will stay far away. In fact I most likely will subconsciously find reason not to see you. So don't take it personally. ;)

When my Dad was dying I remember refusing to go in his room to see him. I remember refusing to go in and just crying outside his room. Apparently it took a McDonalds bribe to get me to go in, and even then I wasn't very willing.  He and I sat together and enjoyed his favorite, french fries dipped in a chocolate milkshake. Mmm mmm, so good; don't knock it until you try it! It was the last time I ever saw him, in fact I was told he passed away shortly after that. I guess he needed that and so did I. I just didn't know it then. Granted I was like, 11, but still, he was my Dad and he was dying. The least I could have done was spend time with him. I completely and wholeheartedly regret that.

Then my Grandpa died a few years ago. We knew it was coming yet there was always a reason I couldn't go see him. Next my Grandma passed away right after Antonio was born. Again, we knew it was going to happen. In fact, for a good week before she passed I was "meaning" to go see her but never made time. Again, full of regret. :(  I always seem to distant myself from death, even just the near possibility of death. I guess if I don't see the person "dying" then it isn't happening and wont happen. They just "go away"for a long time. :/

My Aunt Barbara, who is my Dad's sister, has been in the hospital the past couple weeks due to an infection that is on her mitral valve in her heart. She had an infection that was wrapped around her spinal cord but they did surgery to remove that. They can't remove the one on her valve because she hasn't been strong enough. She has in turn, had couple strokes because of it, in fact it looks like another one just this week. The most recent update from my cousin Sheri, is that the infection has spread throughout her body and brain. Her body is trying to "fix itself" and her kidneys are starting to shut down.  She has a DNR (do not resuscitate) on her medical records if it comes to it.  The doctors put her on a morphine drip to keep her comfortable, by her choice. Apparently she understands what is going on and "is tried of fighting. She is ready."

This makes me so sad. I haven't seen my aunt since my baby shower and before that? I have no idea. But for some reason I feel the need to go see her. Weird I know, considering it doesn't sound good for her. But she's my Aunt and I should. Also, maybe because she is my Dad's sister and it would be some sort of connection to him. I have no idea. (Ever since Antonio was born I have craved information, stories anything more about my Dad.) She's been so out of it and sleeping so much having visitors hasn't really been a good idea. There is a good chance she wouldn't even know who I was, but I still feel compelled to see her, even if only for 5 min.

I'm not sure how I feel/think about what happens after we die but if there is a party afterwards I'm pretty sure she will see my Dad. Its that connection to him that is maybe why I feel the need to see her.  So she can tell him that I love him and miss him terribly; every single day. And that I am ok. That actually sounds like a pretty selfish reason to want to see her....

Please pray my Aunt fights this, gets out of the hospital and continues to live for many years. Also, pray for my cousin Sheri who has been there for her, my Aunt, and kept us so well updated. This has to be so hard on her as well.