Reasons, I wish I knew

Sappy post alert.

I'm a huge believer in "everything happens for a reason". And as per the usual, you never know what that reason is at the time but usually (hopefully) looking back you see it. I've been incredibly lucky to have met some amazing ladies since leaving MM. Some of which I've been lucky enough to become good friends with. They seem to have come into my life just when I needed them and have helped me become a better friend, Mama, and person. All of their friendships have been loving, understanding, genuine and most of all, supportive. They have shown me it is possible for women to be supportive and encouraging to each other and not judgmental and mean.

Women often mention their "tribe" of close friends or "my people" and I never really knew what it was like, until recently. My "group" isn't big, maybe 5 or 6 but that is ok because its 3 or 4 more than I had two years ago. However, I recently found out I am losing one of them and I kinda feel like I got sucker punched...

My initial thoughts were selfish and angry because she just came into my life. The more I thought about it, the more heartbreaking it became because she, without her really knowing, had become "my person". Our friendship evolved slowly and quietly and at some point, unbeknownst to me, she became that person in my life and I hadn't really realized that until she told me she was moving. ♥

Just typing this and thinking about her leaving puts a lump in my throat and quiver in my chin.

Just by being around her you want to be a better person and every time she leaves you feeling better about yourself and you think, "Man, I just love her" and I do; so much. She is truly 1 in a million. ♥

The next couple months before she officially leaves will be hard but I am going to do my best not to put up those walls. Because as most of you know, thats just what I do, I put up walls, really big ones and I distance myself so I don't have to deal with the heartbreak.

Happily I do have a few other friends who are pretty amazing too. I'm pretty lucky and I am pretty sure I hit the jackpot of when it comes to friends.☺ I've never been one to have a lot of friends, for me its quality over quantity. I pick and choose my friends pretty specifically so I tend to have quite a few "aquaintance friends" but really only have a handful true friends; friends who I would give the shirt off my back for.

This move will be an amazing opportunity for her and her family so I am happy for her. One that they would be crazy not to take so I know her reason for leaving. What I don't understand is the reason she was put in my life, when apparently I needed her so badly, only to be taken away so soon. I know the positive impact she has made on my life but why take that/her away? (see, here are my selfish thoughts and questions.)

Why??!

Yes, I know she isn't dying or anything tragic like that but no matter how much you try to deny it, distance, on any type of relationship, changes it and usually hurts it... She has become not just an everyday friend but hopefully a forever friend. ♥  I've come to grips with that fact she is leaving (I think) and that I can/should put on my big girl pants and turn my emotions to happiness and excitement for her. Because after all, it is exciting and will be such an amazing opportunity for her and her family! I will deal with (or maybe not. ha!) the goodbye when it happens. Regardless I will miss her terribly and just wish I knew the reason as to why she came in to my life only to "leave" so soon. If someone would just say, "She came in to your life to <blank> and now is leaving because <blank>, but <blank>." I would take all this much better...I think. ☺

Ten months

**Turns out this gets a little mushy at the end, sorry. That was not my intention originally but I am keeping it that way. :)

 It's been almost exactly 10 months since I left Mutual Materials.

TEN months!

A part of me feels like it was yesterday yet, another part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. I was so happy to be leaving. I had been there 12 years and the people I met and grew to truly like, I miss. Very much still to this day. In fact I stopped by a couple weeks ago to see them and as I left I felt happy. Happy to have seen them and happy that I was leaving and not going back the next day. Ha! Still so much drama there!  The last 10 months have been the most rewarding and fun 10 months I've had in a very long time. I am so different now too. I am still me just not the dirty mouthed, stressed out, unhappy version. I care more about me, how I present myself and I put more effort into things. Funny how much more effort one can put towards something when the truly enjoy and believe in it!  I am much more content now too! )

I was able to be involved in Antonio's school this year and I met some amazing people. I helped in Antonio's classroom every week and not only got to see what goes on in the room but got to know his teacher and classmates. It was so fun to see how much they grew in 10 months too. I'm going to miss seeing them every week. 

While there I also got the chance to learn the school, how it runs, whats expected of the students and best of all I got to know some of the staff. I feel so lucky to have Antonio go to the school he does. I remember thinking when I first saw it that it was little on the "dumpy" and I wondered if it looked like that on the outside, what it would be like on the inside. It is just another example of why you should to judge a book by its cover. :) The principal and staff are amazing and the kids are happy! 

Working with the PTSA I was able to plan and help host so many fun things. I got the inside scoop on all the activities and I even had a say in them. The PTSA did not have any sort of social media prior to this year, so I created and now admin a private group page for them. At times it is a lot of work but is so rewarding and fun seeing how people, parents, utilize it. I am actually pretty proud of it! :) I did not sign up to be on the board next year nor do I have any intention of doing so in the future. I will miss having such a big say in how things are done and run but will enjoy just volunteering without all of the pressure.

Not only did I get to do all that but I met some pretty amazing women! The two main ladies who ran the PTSA this past year are leaving and will not be around next year. Their kids are headed to middle school; eek! Turns out I am going to sincerely miss them next year. They gave so much of their heart and soul to this school and not only will I miss them but I am pretty sure the school will too. I am however, excited for the new board to take over and take charge! Next year is going to be so much fun!

The past 10 months I have made a few new friends, which come to find out, I really needed. I didn't realize it until recently either. I have friends but honestly, I have lost touch with so many of them since they live just a little to far for the frequent hang outs. I was consumed by work and family and just lost touch. And it wasn't one-sided, it just happened, with all of us. Before we knew it, weeks had gone by, then months and it just became harder to find time and then we just got lazy. That breaks my heart a little, more now than then because I wasn't aware of how bad it was.

Happily I "found" two ladies who I actually call friends, actual friends. It helps we have boys who are in the same grade which helped create a common ground to build on. I wasn't aware at how badly I needed girlfriends until these two came into my life, both at different times, in different ways and for different reasons. Cheesy, I know, but true. I hope to keep these two in my life long after PTSA and even if our boys don't stay friends.

One I met after Antonio wanted to invite her son to his birthday last year and I quickly realized how similar we are. Just looking at her or talking to her you can tell she is fun and easy-going,  I almost instantly felt comfortable around her. <---That kinda sounds weird but I meant in the most normal way. Turns out she really is fun and easy-going! Ha!

The other I met via PTSA this fall. She is smart and takes control of a room, in the most kind and positive way. She's kept me in line and grounded when things got a bit "emotional" this year. She also makes me want to be a better person, the best version of me possible. I adore both of them, that sounds kinda creepy too. They are so much fun (not that I know them that well yet) and amazing women who also happen to be raising pretty amazing boys. I can only hope the boys all stay friends for life because the families where the come from are amazing!

Both of them know I suffer from anxiety and each time we've gone somewhere they ask a simple, "how are you doing?" or "are you doing ok?". And then its left alone. Seriously, that is the best I could ask for. It lets me know they are aware yet don't want to dwell on it  or ignore it and I greatly appreciate that. One of these times I will respond with, "I'm freaking out" and I know they will be amazing, because that is just what they are. I truly hope to get to know them both better in the near future and hope they become/stay lifelong friends of mine. Every girl needs friends like these two! <3

As I took off my badge today for the last time for a few months, I realized that it is so much more than just that. It is a symbol of what I have done and who I've become over the past 10 months. Yes, I am that Mom. The mom who is always at school, volunteering in class and with the PTSA and I like it! :)

a better me

It's probably been at least 10 years since "getting out there".

No, not in the sense of dating but meeting new people, friends, other women.

I mention women specifically only because while I worked at MM I met a lot of new people but 99% of them were men, older men. Not the good looking, rich kind either...

I digress.

I was comfortably stuck in my rut of being around and socializing with men. And boy are they entertaining, anti social and often very dramatic. They are just like women just not as critical of each other. Ha.

I promise, this is not a post about men.

Again, I digress.

As you all know, since leaving MM I have had the opportunity to meet other moms and become involved with the PTSA and they are 99% women and my age. You'd think that would be a nice change and in a lot of ways it is but yet so much the same. Happily the topics of conversations have changed and there is a lot less cursing. In turn I have met a few really great women, moms. Theres a couple that stand out, they are amazing people.

Without sounding creepy and stalkerish, even though it will, I want to be around them. I want Antonio to be around their kids; I want to be in their lives and vice versa. Being around them makes me want to be a better women, mom, wife and friend.

Ok, yup. That sounded weird. But these women are amazingly strong women who appear to have it all. Even when they claim to be going crazy they still appear to have it all together.

It's almost like working at MM made me care less about myself in the sense, I only half cared about how I looked and what people thought of me. With the lack of appreciation, especially at the end, made me only want to put in half the effort. The people around me were either mostly twice my age, drunk (yes, a lot of guys came in clearly intoxicated all while trying to act normal), high or weren't worth my energy. Sounds depressing, yes but for the most part I loved these guys. It made that part of the job less stressful. I had zero "competition". :)

Now being around other women, I care more about my appearance and how I present myself.  These couple women, without knowing it, have influenced me to want to be a better version of myself.

Birthdays

Some call us December birthdays.

Others call us Christmas birthdays. Either way sucks.

When I was younger having a birthday two days after Christmas, yes, TWO DAYS, sucked because most people would casually "forget" my birthday and lump them together to just give me one gift. As a kid that really sucked. Some people would be great about it and gave me gifts for both, thank you and my younger self really thanks you for that! :)

When I was in Jr. High and High School, maybe even earlier, I asked my mom if we could celebrate my birthday in June for my half birthday. Surprisingly she was ok with that. Then she told me I'd have to skip a birthday and wait until June came around to celebrate. I knew there would be a catch. So of course when it came time to "skip" my birthday, I wanted no part of it. It was fun to celebrate with friends with all the festivities still going and everything still on and decorated for Christmas. I remember going to Seattle and going ice skating at Seattle Center a few different years. It was always the same core group of friends and they knew my birthday was right after Christmas so it was already planned that they would be around. It also helped none of us ever went away for the holidays.

Then I got a little older and didn't need all the gifts but appreciated the option of one big gift.  Now, as I am older I dread it for a few reasons.

One. I am getting older...

Two. When people ask what I'd like for my birthday, I just don't know. It's hard enough to come up with ideas for Christmas but then to be asked for my birthday right away, I just don't know.

And three. What would I like to do for my birthday? I'm tired, I don't necessarily want to do anything. Maybe just stay in my pjs and get takeout. Ha! As an introvert who also struggles with anxiety I don't want to have to be "on" any more. Two straight days of going and being "on" is hard enough. Come to me and bring the love, and takeout (and wine). But know I may be in my pjs or cozy clothes and not ready or wanting to go anywhere.

With my Mom being over here (Mill Creek) now she asked if we'd like to go to their house for my birthday. It is nice to not have to clean up for them to come here but having to go there, or anywhere isn't on top of my list. And with the Seahawks playing, let me just lay on the couch and stare at the TV. Or something similar. Happily, my mom said we could come before the game started and said it was ok to come in our pjs. Yay! And I did just that, well my fat pants and cozy top. :) A plus of not staying home was that my mess of a house wasn't staring at me all day! Too bad the Seahawks lost, but happily it started to snow late afternoon through when we left tonight! No, nothing sticking really but fun to see.

Happy birthday to all of you December/Christmas birthday babies! The struggle is real, isn't it?! Ha. Thank you to all of you who took the time to send birthday wishes, I so appreciate them and you.

Thankful

I am thankful for so much.

I am thankful for my health, I know, I know, everybody says that; but it is true. I battle anxiety pretty badly and it tends to hold me back from a lot but over all, I am healthy and so are my boys. As many of you know I am about to turn 38 and that is about the age when my Dad was really getting sick. Thats been weighing heavily on me lately and again, another reason to be thankful for my health. I have it and get to continue to watch Antonio grow up and live my life with Albert. So thankful. Which leads to being so thankful, well grateful is a better word, to having my Mom healthy and living closer. (Thankful for no ferry lines this year too. :))

I am also thankful to be able to able to stay home with Antonio. It is something I have wanted to do from day one and I wasn't sure I would ever get to, but thanks to Albert working so incredibly hard for us, I can. It has been so rewarding. I get to have breakfast with Antonio and walk to the bus stop with him every morning and then be there when he gets off the bus and comes running to me. Now that I am working so much, maybe to much, with the PTSA at school,  I get to see him periodically through the day and that makes us both so happy! I am one lucky Mama!

That leads to my next thing; the PTSA. Yes, I am actually thankful for finding it and joining it. It has consumed my life right now and I have done none the things I was looking forward to doing once becoming a stay at home mom but I enjoy it. It gets me dressed and out of the house pretty much every day! :) I have also met an amazing group of ladies that I know I would have never met otherwise.

Last but not least, I am so thankful for Albert. He works so hard for Antonio and I and has been so patient with me while I try to find balance between the PTSA and trying get all the things done at home. We are so lucky to have him in our lives.

Balance

Balance is so hard to find. I thought staying home with Antonio would give me so much time to do so much I have been wanting (and needing) to do. Before leaving MM, all the guys kept asking, "What are you going to do with all your time" and my reply always was, "I plan on getting involved with Antonio's school and getting my honey-do list done". I had no idea, really. I knew I'd volunteer in his class and school but I was looking forward to having no real obligation to anyone.

Then I joined the PTSA. 

Now I am finding myself always at school between volunteering in his class and helping with the PTSA. I've had a good time so far with the PTSA and have met some awesome ladies who I hope become actual friends with. It's been a long time since I've had a some real girlfriends to "hang out" with. Lame, I know. I have my girlfriends but in reality, they all live just far enough away that we rarely see each other, especially after having kids. Between the distance and my anxiety; it plain sucks and I miss them! 

I am, as well as my house and husband,  in need of finding balance with the PTSA and everything else. I find I spend 4-5 days at school and for most of the day. Many days, I am quickly leaving school just to make it home in time to meet Antonio's bus. My house is a mess, laundry is getting done at random times and never done all at once. Oye. What happened to all that time I thought I was going to have? I have to try cut back on my PTSA time to be able to find time for everything else. Happily, events and other PTSA work slows down after the new year but in the mean time I have to try to cut back, and not feel guilty about it. Thankfully, we are getting more volunteers show up as the year progresses and hopefully that continues to be the case so I don't feel like I do have to be there as much. Like the say, "many hands make light work". So true. 

For the past year or so there has just been 2 core PTSA ladies doing all the work and I'm not sure how they did it an still get it all done. However, now that there are a few more of us we are trying to find easy ways to earn money for the PTSA. We have found a couple ways and are in process of one other. We currently have enrolled in Amazon Associates and Targets REDcard "Take charge of Education".  The Amazon Associates lets you use your Smile Amazon's charity you may already use and adds that to the link. You can use this link to make your purchases. It should take you to Amazon and using your charity you have chosen already. If you don't already have a charity, may I suggest Childrens Law Center of Washington Ps. Its a nonprofit founded by my stepbrother to provide low cost attorney services for help find permanence for foster children. Or Liberty Adoption Advocates. This is also a nonprofit that my stepsister is the founder of that provides financial assistance for families to adopt. Both are amazing charities to contribute to. If you have any issues using this link, please let me know. I have specific instructions that I can give you on how to add your "smile" charity to our link, basically go here, once there change the first part of the address to smile.amazon.com, from just amazon.com and leave the rest. Just please make sure "Code=sl2&tag=sunnyselemen-20" is still in the long web address; that how we get credit! If you for whatever reason don't want to use the smile amazon version, you can use this link which is just for the regular Amazon. 

Please bookmark this Amazon link or the other and use it for all of your Amazon shopping. We, the PTSA, can earn 4 - 8% back on all purchases and there is nothing you need to do but your normal shopping on Amazon through that link. The link is also on the right of this blog in case you need to come back to use it. The more money can earn for Antonio's school, the more fun events we can host and the more money we can give back to the teachers and school! 

Target REDcard's Take Charge for Education is just as easy. Just go here to link up your REDcard debit or credit card version to our school, Sunnyside Elementary, our school ID is 105887. Target gives up to 1% back to us. Again, all you have to do is link up your REDcard to our school and continue shopping at Target. Both in store and online works.

So there are two very easy ways to help support Antonio's school! It just takes a few minutes to link each up. I'd really, really appreciate it if you did; so much money that can be earned without you spending an extra penny! Do it now before you forget to and start your holiday shopping too! :) If you have any questions or trouble doing this, let me know! Thank you to those of you who link up!

I am still loving being at home with Antonio and all the extra time we've had. Hevloves it when he sees me at school throughout the day and is loving it even more when he gets to help out with events we host at school. I have no intentions to stop helping at school because we both, Antonio and I, love it! I just need to be/feel more balanced. So please, in the meantime, send me "balancing" thoughts. 

Chapter three.

*I've had a few people ask how my first week as a stay-at-home Mom is going. And in short its awesome!!

Chapter 3.

At least thats what it seems.

To recap, chapter 1 was having Antonio and being able to stay home with him for 9 months before returning to work. I am incredibly grateful for that. Sure, all he mostly did was eat, poop/pee, sleep and cry but that infant time is/was so precious and you never get that back.

Chapter 2 was going back to work and putting him in daycare. We were lucky enough to find good daycares, yes we had to change daycares 3 times for different reasons for him. Each one, except maybe the last, (it was good but was glad to not have him there long) was a good fit for where he was in age. The first one, he was at from 9 months to about 18 months so he was mainly just crawling around and exploring; it was a good fit and the other kids there were similar in age. The second one, he was about 18 months to just this summer and was much more structured and school like. Lots of learning play with circle time where they did calendar, the weather and reading. It was perfect for him getting him prepped for school. I couldn't have imagined a better place for him to be at for that part of his life. The 3rd and most recent place, wasn't bad just not as good as the other two places. There was a LOT of tv time. Antonio came home talking about things he wanted that he'd seen on tv there. We think there was more attention to the smaller kids, which is good and needed but, then the older kids were free to do whatever, whenever including tv watching, all the time.

Then onto chapter 3, the present.

As you all know, as of August 28th I became a SAHM. After the week with Antonio I am really wishing we could have done this earlier but home refinancing and other things kept us from doing that. I am just grateful for the week and a half with him before school starts. I feel like I am already more "present" in his life. There's also been a couple times where he's told me to, "slow down, don't be in a hurry" because, "the faster we go the less time I get to spend with you and I like spending time with you". I'm not sure how accurate that is or where he got that but I got the hint both times.  I'm trying to learn to take my time, slow down and "smell the flowers". I don't have "go to work" so theres minimal rush to get things done. :) That part is great.

Going forward, I will be first and foremost Antonio's Mama. I can't wait to be there at the bus stop after school to hear about his day. I'm also looking forward to being a volunteer in Antonio's class this year, hoping to on a regular basis. We'll have to find a good routine for after school as far as homework, downtime and playtime. I am sure we'll have to try a few different things before we find the right one for both us.

While he is at school there are so many things I have put on my own "honey-do" list. Everything from cleaning, to organizing, to throwing clutter out, to just basics like getting new pictures in our frames on the walls. I also hope to find time to refocus on me. Finding time to get back into an exercise routine, finding something(s) to do in my community that I like and makes me feel good. Albert's schedule will change (weekends off again) starting the end of this month which will also mean we will get more time as a family and that he and I will get more time together too!

There will be some adjustments in the coming weeks as far as routine, expectations, money spending and just plain old spending time together, because let's be honest, we were rarely spending time as a whole family and now suddenly having a lot more time together may take an adjustment! :) I'm already seeing my anxiety levels stay lower too. I'm sure I will see them rise again next week leading up to the start of school but thats expected. :)

I am looking forward to finding our groove together and spending more time together!