first race

Today was my first actual "race"; The Biggest Loser Run/Walk 5k. There wasn't nearly as much "pomp" as I thought there would be. Which in some ways, was disappointing but oh well. The race itself, was fun. There was also a half marathon. There were some "serious" runners that were going to run the whole thing and appeared to have been running for a long time. There were also some who, clearly were not, and hadn't been running long. I actually saw a runner toting a Mc Donalds bag while eating an egg mc muffin, or something similar. I felt badly for them knowing it was probably not going to settle well once they started running.

Some people had pictures of themselves ( much heavier self) pinned to their shirts to remind themselves how far they had come. Some were pretty impressive. Some people appeared to have a lot more to go, yet there they were, getting ready to run (or walk) a 5k and some, even a half marathon. Props to them because I have no intentions of running a half marathon. The half marathoners went first, then it was our turn. There were SO many of us. And such a wide variety, big and small, old and young. Some in running attire, some in jeans and tennis shoes. Just when you thought they were going to be a spectator you'd see their bib. So different from the races Albert runs.

 This is the crowd that had to go before me, what you don't see is that it also goes around the corner!

I had to wait about 7 minutes after the 5k started before it was my turn to go. They let about 100 of us at a time go every 30sec.  When I realized how long the line really was I wished I had gone and stood in line prior. There were still a bunch behind me as well. By this point I was ansy to start, however I was not nervous or anxious at all, which I was very grateful for.

Finally my turn and I was in the front!

The air horn sounded and I was off. I "darted" off in front of the pack along with about 5 others (while leaving the rest in the dust. lol), then all of a sudden we caught up to the previous group who were walking. There were a lot of them and it was like a traffic jam of people. A handful of us ran zig, zagging through the group until we reached the next group which, by then had thinned out. It was kinda empowering running past all the walkers/slower than me joggers. 

Then I'd see a very overweight person walking and feel overcome by emotion. So much pride (for them) and I was so proud (of them). I knew how hard it was to get out there some days, and how much harder it was before I had lost some weight. On top of that, if I were their size or even half their size I would never have had the guts to do it.  I so badly want to cheer them on as i passed them but the lump in my throat stopped me. They were actively trying to get healthy and it was hard work, both emotionally and physically. 

There was one water station and Jackson from season 14 (of the biggest loser) was there. Since I had regretted not getting a picture with him at the expo I stopped and took a selfie with him, he wished me good luck and I the continued on. In the brief 5 sec, he was so nice and I felt so silly. :) 

selfie with Jackson

After my selfie, I had about a block to go before we were to make a u-turn and head back to the finish. At one point I had to stop and walk but then I felt a group of people coming up behind me while I was walking in the middle of the road. I glanced behind me and sure enough there were, which made me want to start running again. Every time I felt them creep up on me I pushed harder, they, without knowing, were great motivation. Finally, I could see and hear the finish line, finally! Then I saw Albert and Antonio waving at me about a 100 yards from the finish; I had done it! Phew! I ran 98% of the way, better than I normally do! It felt good. As some of you know. I had been feeling sick for pretty much all of September and only ran 3 times that month. I was in no way ready for this. In the 2 runs prior to this race I had been slow, much slower than usual. But I knew I could walk the whole way and still not come close to being last so I was determined to do it regardless! So I was so proud of myself for running pretty much the whole thing and feeling good! Turns out I did do good, I ended up placing 5th for women in the age group 35-39!! And 110th overall for age groups.  Happily, it also doesn't tell me how many of us were in that age group (or overall) so I can just assume there were hundreds! HA! :)

waving at Albert and Antonio at the end!  

It was a perfect morning for a run too; cloudy and 55 degrees. Maybe next year I can recruit my mom and cousins to walk/run with me! Now that I've gotten my first race under my belt I might now want to do another 5k. We shall see.

Finished and I got my medal! :)

Getting "crunchy"

I'm (we're) getting a little crunchy here. At least thats what it seems. I have always seemed to be more on the, "if it happens to be good for the environment, then great" or "if it's healthy or organic, its only  by chance" side of things. I've always cared but not as much as I should.

Then Albert had to go and start running, which turned into him wanting to eat better, which turned him into becoming vegan. (Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly proud of him and how healthy he's become. He's the main reason I started running and have become a healthy eater as well.) Then I realized dairy products negatively effected me so I cut out dairy. Then we started getting weekly organic food deliveries from Klesick Family Farm (which we love). 

Now, after trying to combat my anxiety (which has become pretty intense over the past year) with 2 different prescription drugs and facing severe side effects with each, I've decided to look for an alternative way(s) to calm my anxiety. I don't expect to rid myself of anxiety but if I could just cut down my anxieties to half, I'd be thrilled. I would love to be able to get in my car and go (anywhere) without feeling nauseous, sweaty, tense, light headed and feeling a rapid heartbeat. Even walking out to meet Antonio's bus I feel this way. The only, and I mean only, place/time I don't feel this way is at home. Once I am home and I'm almost always suddenly better. I don't go out and do things solely so I don't have to deal with feeling this way. :/

I have looked in to essential oils and will probably try them out. From what I've read, even if they don't help with my anxiety much there are other things I can use them for. Also, probiotics. There have been studies that have shown there is a direct link to the gut and the brain. If the gut is "happy" so is the brain. Again, if the probiotics don't directly help with my anxieties, they could help with the stomach issues I've had my whole life. Another thing I am going to try is yoga. Yeah, I am not sure if I'm coordinated enough to do it, but I am going to try. I'm just going to try some videos at home before I potentially embarrass myself at a class. Yoga is another thing that some people swear by; its supposed to be beneficial is many ways so if it doesn't help with anxiety it is just another thing that will help me. 

Last but not least, is diet. What we eat can be directly be linked to how we feel, duh. We already eat so much healthier that we did 2 years ago, so in my opinion, there isn't much left to change. Albert would argue this however. He has (strongly) suggested to eat more like him, vegan. I could almost call myself a vegan but not completely. I rarely eat meat but when I have the option to I usually do. Maybe not always steak but chicken. We don't eat it at home but if we go out (which is rarely) I do and I am not sure I am ready to go that extreme. I still salivate over a nice juicy steak, just typing it is making me want one...

I digress. Anyways, the diet part of things will have to stay the same, for now because I am not ready to convert. One last thing I may do is see a counselor. I've heard from a few friends that they go and going is have been very helpful for their own reasons. If the oils, probiotics and yoga don't help, before I go back to prescriptions I will probably try the counselor route. In the meantime, please send positive, calming thoughts my way. And as always, prayers are always welcome. I just really want to go back to enjoying life outside my home with my amazing little family. Until then, I am going to try to focus and breath deeply. ;)

5K

Sunday I have my very first "race". It's The Biggest Loser Run/Walk 5k (and marathon/half marathon but I am obviously not doing that). Happily its titled as a run/walk because I am no way ready for it. I have been out of running for a month and not because I haven't wanted to but because I have felt awful, partly due to trials of 2 separate anxiety meds. Basically Albert has been a single parent for a month and has been awesome at it.

Regardless, my run is Sunday, yes this Sunday and I have only "run" (more like walked) a total of 3 times in the past month. Today's run/jog/walk was the longest, at just over 3 miles so I know I can at least make it that far. ;) Prior to this month I ran a 5k on pretty much every run I did so I wasn't to worried about this one. In fact, my plan was to train for this one to be my fastest 5k. Well, now it is more like just trying to finish it at my old, "normal", time. Sigh, so disappointed. For awhile I was worried I might not even be able to do it; I was so weak. But I am starting to feel better. My strength still isn't like it was but its closer.

This is partly why I've never done 5k races in the past, to much pressure. I like doing things in my own time, on my own way. I hate pressure, it gives me major anxiety, just ask my husband. I usually freak out or cave when up against a deadline/time/pressure. The Biggest Loser run should be fun and is definitely not a serious run in any way. Heck, the 5k has to be done at at least a pace of 30m/per mile; thats 30m to go one mile. I am pretty sure most could do that. Most races have a much faster required pace. So my goal is to run as much of it as possible and finish. Today's run was done in just over 40m so I should be able to do at least that; fingers crossed. It's supposed to be cold (high of 64) and rainy Sunday, so I am just hoping its dry enough for me to run and be done. I've run in 25 degrees before so temperature isn't to much of a concern, its the rain. I have no water repellent running gear because, well, I never run when it's raining...

So pray for me that I run it ok and that it stays dry. The race starts at 8:30 and I should be done before 9:30, so after 9:30 it can pour, just nor before please. :)

Well being

I have decided it is time to focus on my well being. Emotionally and physically. It seems for all to long I have felt crappy in one degree or another. Whether it being my high anxiety, feeling woosey, light headed, just plain weak or at times, or all of the above. I feel like it has only gotten worse over the past year. Looking at pictures from last year I don't remember feeling nearly like I have for the last few months. I don't ever want to leave the comforts of my own home because I will feel this way some part of the time, if not the entire time gone.

It sucks, plain and simple.

Looking back there are really only a few things that have changed. Antonio starting Kindergarten and I haven't been taking a multivitamin or regularly drinking an Emergen-C. However, as many will tell you, if you eat a good diet you don't need either of those. I like to think we eat pretty darn good. Over the winter we roasted a lot of veggies which we haven't done much lately because, well, its to hot to be roasting anything.

Last week I went in for my yearly exam and talked to my dr about all of the above. She started me on a very low dosage (25mg and I have started with only taking 1/2 pill) of zoloft (since I had been on it many years ago) to see if that would help with my anxiety. It seems to have helped. On Antonio's first day of school I wasn't completely nauseous or lightheaded; only "normal" butterflies, shaky (not dizzy)and high strung. Ha. Believe it or not that is a huge improvement. :) As far as the rest of my ailments, she suggested I get back on a multivitamin to see if that helps; it surely won't hurt me.  She also prescribed me to get out and run more often, even when I am lazy if I just go walk it should help too.

Friday, after Antonio was dropped at daycare my body pretty much gave up. I felt terrible. I was "doing" and feeling everything but throwing - up. I was exhausted. Today, I am feeling much better. I picked up some multivitamins at the store today so we will see if that also helps. I'll give it a couple weeks but I need to overall feel better. I am tired of feeling yuck all the time and I want to get back at enjoying life with my husband and kid instead of dreading going anywhere.

Fingers crossed its a simple change like adding a multivitamin. Praying the Zoloft works as well. I have a follow up with my Dr. regarding the Zoloft on the 17th.

Oso Strong

Man, I just find this so heartbreaking, so tragic. When I first heard about it I blew it off. At first, it was just another landslide and after all the rain we have had in the last month there's been a a lot.

I kept hearing more and more.

Then I saw a picture. Then another.

This was not just another mudslide; this was huge.

And so close to home.

Whoa.

Then I thought, "Oh my gosh. My Aunt and Uncle live off of 530!"

Sadly I realized I had no idea where since I hadn't seen them in years. (another post for another day) Thanks to Facebook I quickly found out they were fine, as were my cousin and his family who also live near the slide area.

I've read so many sad stories of the loss and the missing. That story of the 4 year old boy who was rescued. The boy's Mom was not at home but at work but the rest of the family is still missing. That poor boy. The fear that he experienced. Ugh. I can't even imagine. (Insert lump in throat.)

The Mom. She lost everything. Her husband, her other children. I can't imagine the pain...I just can't.

Then the Grandma, the firefighters wife, who was watching her 4 month old grand-daugher.

The people who were "just driving" on 530 who got swept away.

The list, the stories, they just go on. Each one just as heart breaking as the others.

Today I went into work. I was not prepared for the stories to become real. The driver of Darrington Hardware. Normally happy and upbeat, looked full of grief. A friend of his is missing....

A customer came in and the transaction started out normal. Then at the end he brought up the slide. His teenage son plays indoor football in Marysville, with the older brother of the 4 year old. Ugh. You could see his heart was broken. He mentioned that his son's team was to be at a game in Spokane Saturday, but it was canceled Friday. That family (of the 4 year old) would have been there, not at home when the slide happened. He knew that family, talked to them numerous times at the football games. He said the team have yellow ribbons to put on their jersey's. Yellow was the kids favorite color.

These people who have been affected, they aren't just in Oso or Darrington. They are everywhere; in all our local communities. Take the time to smile a little more frequently because chances are, at least one person you see will be somehow heartbroken by something in their life. Remember to kiss those you love and remind them just how much they mean to you because you just never know.

And pray for those who have lost family members, friends, or co-workers and for those who are still missing. They say some may never be found, again, I can't even imagine and I am so thankful I don't have to.

Anxiety.

I am pretty sure I have anxiety issues.

Going anywhere out of routine I get nervous, upset stomach (nauseous) and need to consciously breathe. No, I am not kidding, I get like this anytime we (I) go anywhere that is not in my normal day to day routine. On the way to taking Antonio to school on the day I was helping out in his classroom, I was a wreck. When I pulled a muscle in my back last week and was driving to the walk-in; I was a wreck. The list goes on, it's awful. When Antonio gets sick, it's the same thing.

There ought to be an anxiety pill specifically for Mom's (and Dad's too) for when their kid(s), baby, is sick. Really, there should be. Antonio has a bug. He woke up this morning sneezy, and a runny nose but nothing more. He ate like normal and acted normal so we went out our day. It wasn't until he asked to go up and take a nap (in his bed) in the middle of my workout...at 11:15 that I got concerned. I finished up, only about 10 min., and went up to check on him. Sure enough, he was in his bed with the light off, watching a show on his iPad, half asleep. He said he felt sick and needed to rest. I thought ok, go ahead and rest. He had a hard time breathing through his nose so I filled and turned on his humidifier. After about 20m he fell asleep, a good hour and a half before he usually naps. He slept for 1hr and 45m.

When he woke up he felt warm and my anxiety kicked in. He had gone to bed without lunch so I asked him if he was hungry for lunch, he said no. My anxiety kicked up another notch, he must really feel sick. We watched Toy Story while he clearly had a temperature by now. I convinced him to eat some apples and toast, which he did. When Toy Story was over he said he was sleepy and needed to back to his bed and snooze. By now he was feeling hot and was very lethargic. It was true, he caught a bug. He stayed in bed the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. He let me change his clothes so I could get him into jammies but thats about it. He wanted me or Albert to sit with him the whole time. :( Poor kid. We gave him a dose of tylenol to help him sleep and tucked him in for the night.

Here I lay, worried about him. My anxiety level is through the roof, partly feeling sick myself. Am I getting sick? Will he sleep through the night? Will he throw-up? Will his temperature go down? What happens if his temperature gets higher? What if, what if, WHAT IF??? I know in a week, hopefully much sooner, this will be a distant memory but for right now, as Peg in Peg + Cat (a PBS kid show) says, I am totally freaking out! :)

Damn you anxieties, damn you.

God, are you there?

*First and foremost, please don't judge me (or this post). These are MY thoughts and beliefs only. I know some of you may not agree but thats ok. And lastly, I don't want to be "preached" to about any of this.


As some of you have read in Antonio's blog we finally decided to send Antonio to the school up the road from us instead of where he goes now. As mentioned, one of my favorite things about his current school is that he is learning about God, which he most definitely won't learn about in a public school. When I asked him yesterday if he knew what tomorrow (today) was (his day to spend with Papa) he responded with "chapel day at school." I asked what he does in chapel time and he happily said, "I learn about God.". That made my heart full. :)

After reading the post, one of my dearest and most faithful friends, texted me with, "Ya know, you could always take Antonio to church to learn about God. :)". She has a point, which then started a brief conversation via text about why I (we) don't go to church and it started me thinking.

A big part of it is that I am not really sure what I believe. I do believe in God but, is it only because that is what I was brought up to believe? I do believe there is something bigger than me/us but I am not exactly sure what. Then there's that "what denomination do I fall under?" question. I need a crash course on each one. What is the difference between each one?

I do believe we are equal and should be treated that way. I also strongly believe we should be able to love (and marry) whomever we want. I also believe in abortion but never as a form of birth control. I want to be able to drink wine/alcohol (as much as I want at any given time) without being frowned on or judged. I, 100%, believe everything happens for a reason. I would like to be able to become friends with people from a church and be able to have some conversations that never mention the subject God. I would like to "belong" to a church but not actually "go" to church. Does that make sense?

I would love to be able to send Antonio to Sunday school, leave him and then go back and pick him up later. Ha. Seriously though, the whole church thing is intimidating. All the praying, singing, preaching all at once is a bit much for me. I want to pray, think and talk about God whenever I want, in my own time and on my own terms; not specifically every Sunday for an hour. Yes, someday I'd like to attend a church but I don't want to ever force Albert, let alone Antonio to go with me. I do know that I don't have to go to church to have God love me or to go to Heaven.

Thank you Erin for never scolding me (for things I've done that I know you didn't agree with) or forcing me to believe what you believe. And thank you for always loving me for me enough to ask "those" questions without pushing. :)